New Blog for my Noisy Busy Mind

http://itsapenguinstory.blogspot.ca/

...Toyota Contest...

Hi guys! I need some support, pls visit my entry at http://toyotatoday.ca/en/gallery/111 and view it.

Thank you so much.

...for my parents...

Everyday, we choose who we want to be in the future
Every step we take, every decision we make leads us to the person we envisioned to be
I may have chosen the wrong ones before but now, I know better and I am trying to live a life with no regrets
I challenge myself and not settle for second best...I give everything and do everything the way I wanted it to be so that at the end of the day, I can smile and say "I had been a productive me and I am proud of how my day turned out to be
I seized every opportunity and make the most of what I have
I treasure and I value time that's why I see to it that in one day, I accomplished a lot
I admit that there are times I want to give up and many people try and break my spirit, I do sulk but after that I regain my bearing and stand up again, ready for a battle to make myself better again and prove those that belittle me wrong.
I guess I did grow up after all, I did mature...become responsible and stronger as a person.

I hope you know you raised me well, Mama and Papa.

I hope I make you proud because I am proud to be your daughter.

...for my baby...

i dont believe in love,
i dont believe in happy endings,
i dont believe in promises,
i dont believe most of things.

but everytime i look at you,
i give it another thought.

because everytime my eyes glance at you
i see and realize that love really does exists.

you changed me.
you give me something to look forward in life.
you are the reason why i wake up in the morning smiling.

you dont really have to try hard enough because just you is enough to make me happy and complete

i love you..

our relationship is not always smooth sailing, many bumps and many curves but you know what? you are worth all the pain baby. damn the pain and the tears...ill go forever having them as long as we work things out and have each other. you hugging me, me holding your hands. loving you is my bliss baby.

...Learn Together...

I shy away when I look at you
I stutter when I talk to you
I’m scared to hold your hand
I’m scared to hurt you and I’m also scared that you’ll hurt me.

Is it a sin to just love you secretly?
Is it okay if I just suppressed my desires?
Everyday I seem to improve,
I can tell myself that you’re just a friend.

But is it too pathetic if tell you..
I still always say I love you to you before I go to sleep?
I pretend that I’m hugging you.
Then I just close my eyes and eventually tears will come.

You know how to love someone exceptionally.
Can you teach me?
Can we both learn together?
Can you love me even if it is just a make believe?

I know I’m stupid, I know it is lame.
But in your arms is all I wanted to be right now.

..."Gusto Kita"...

Makaya pa kayang itago ang nararamdaman?!
Tila bawa't kilos ay nagiging halata na.
Bakit sa tuwinang nandiyan ay di magawang hindi mapangiti?
Maari bang titigan ka na lamang?!

Puso ko'y naguguluhan at nagtatanong bakit ba gusto kang alagaan at protektahan?!
Sige na, aaminin ko na nga, gusto kita e.

...Lingon...

Gusto kitang yakapin, hawakan ang iyong mga kamay at hagkan ka.
Gusto kong saluhin lahat ng luhang pumapatak sa iyong mga pisngi.
Mahal mo siya, mahal kita.
Hindi ba pwedeng limingon ka na lang at ako na lang ang iyong mahalin?!

...fi..

i hate it when people pretend to care..

assume things that they think they have a better idea of who you are...

just because you seem like that doesn't mean you are like that...

funny how many people can cling to cliches and stereotypes that they fail to explore the person deeper...

how they say such nice things just to make you feel better but don't really address the reality...

so many faces i've seen here fall into these categories...

so i wonder why people ask me why do i feel blue in a country that's so good to be true?

i just laugh and say to myself...i don't need a so good to be true country without a good for real friend...

alas,,,

this why i miss you my friend.
you care, you genuinely care..
you beat me up with cruel reality to snap me out of my problem...
you listen, not pretend.

you see more than the facade i am portraying..
you know the real me.

...Maybe...

You have already closed the door, right from the moment I'm starting to fall.

You gave up hope for it to ever happen again.

I did too but I had a feeling we have something.

Call me crazy but I think you like me too.

But you never said the words I was waiting to hear...

I realized it's too soon to say for I have known you for only awhile.

But even so, why do I miss you this much?

Why do I feel sad that you suddenly left?

Why can't I sleep?

Why do I anticipate talking to you again?

Maybe the two of us are similar...

Maybe it fascinated me that we can easily jive.

Maybe I just adore you.

Or maybe...

You only reminded me of someone I deeply loved before T-T

...Shut Down Na...

Hindi nagtatagpo, mga pusong nagtatalo.

Dalawang landas na sadyang kay layo.

Hindi dapat pilitin ang damdaming magmahal,

Ipagkamali ang gusto sa mahal.

O pwersahin ang pagkakataon na mag baka sakali.

 

Kapag ang pagtingin ay nalamatan na,

Humupa man ang inis,

Saloobin ay sadyang kay hirap ng baguhin.

 

Hayaan mong sabihin ko ang dahilan,

Puso ko’y sarado pa para magmahal.

Mga alinlangan ko ay may rason.

Alaala ng kahapong di ko na dapat sabihin pa.

 

Ako’y magmamahal nguni’t sadyang di pa ngayon.

At kung nais mong tanungin kung kaya kitang mahalin

Marahil ang sagot ko’y hanggang kaibigan lamang.

Dahil ramdam kong ang ating mga landas at nararamdaman?

Ay hindi kelan man magtatagpo sa ganung lebel.

 

Sabihin mo ng ako’y duwag

O di naman kaya’y sambitin ang lahat ng matatamis na salita o paliwanag.

Pero anung magagawa?

Ang puso ko’y hindi naman timitibok ng gaya ng sayo.

 

...Irony...

Do not trust me just yet, for I am not to be trusted. You are kind and lovable, I’m too ambiguous to begin with and being around you will just complicate things out. I know you wonder why I don’t let my guards down but believe me that one has a pretty good reason why. 

I don’t trust myself to not fall in love with you, I don’t even know if I can control my feelings to not go on over board! I live my life with such an excess of emotions and just a little move can flicker something that shouldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I like you to be my friend, it is just that I don’t want a certain something in my past to happen again. Funny, right? Back before I’m wishing for a friend to come and suppress my loneliness and now that someone like you came, I am limiting myself to be with you. Ah, irony. Sucks. 

I know this is a bit confusing, but thing is, I am a very confusing person too, haha…I am complicated. I am trying to figure something about myself and quite frankly I am just in the midst of trying to search for it. When all these clouds clear up, I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out but right now, I should be alone.

...I will...

I will stand out from whatever I do.

I will take the lead from now on.

I won't hesitate, I will trust myself.

I will try to be the ultimate me!

...Numb, Dumb and Bummed Out...

I’m frying my lungs out for the most nonsense reason: I AM PISSED. Pissed with my life and its non directionality. No matter how many packs of smokes I consume still the stark incompleteness and non directionality remains. I pity my lungs. If they can cry, they would cry by now and if they have hands they would probably slap me hard. I have to stop this.


I am so tired of hearing the mundane complain of others yet take note, I am making one now, haha. I’m sick of seeing the awful truth and unbearable reality. I’m so exhausted being underpaid and yet I’m still not getting the right amount of respect and acknowledgment I should have. I give up to find genuine love and new friends. I’m so fed up worrying and thinking what is my sole purpose in this world. I feel numb, dumb and bummed out.

...Residue Feelings...

The curtains wave furiously as the strong gush of wind hit her face. She was staring blankly at her gray colored wall again, her mind viciously travelling into another world.

She’s with the love of her life, under the blanket of stars as they witness the hundred flickering lights from the buildings. They lay together on the grass, his arms wrap around her. He kissed her softly on her forehead and hugged her tighther.

“You have my heart you know that right? Open it and you’ll see only yourself”
“Then I’ll gently close them and take care of you. You’re the only person that makes my heart melt…you stole my heart from the moment we first talked.”
“I love you.”
She gently closed her eyes and smiled.
“I love you too and I wanna wake up everyday saying that to you. I will love you till eternity.”

But then the eerie screeching sound of the car making a stop made her come back to her senses. A sudden gloom protruded her. She shook her head. Those sweet words, like the wind that gushed its way into her room is now gone…and what is just left are the residue feelings.

She can still remember the words that she said to him and how she felt while saying the words that broke two hearts. It felt as if while she was saying it, every word seared and stung as if someone was literally writing them in her own bear skin.

She wanted badly to cry now, but she fights it.

“I did the right thing.”

She knew damn well that if she continued the affair she’ll be more broke than she is today. She cared for him, loved him as far as she knows but his commitment to another girl, his reputation and his facade is so ambiguous that made it even harder. At some part she recalled, she found herself torn between believing all his heart melting words and the other laughing at his powerful ways of manipulating a girl’s heart. They created a relationship based on attraction, later on found compatibility and then the blurry thing, love. But she wants to believe that what they had was just fatal attraction rather than the austere word: love because they only hugged, kissed and held each other’s arms by words. Cyber relationship. Pathetic but it felt almost close to reality.

She let go of him. She let go of an incredible person, the only man she knew she can connect with, can make her happy and can make her heart beat like crazy, make her fall. But instead of falling in love, she is now falling somewhere between being depressed and oppressed. Her heart turned ice cold again and feels no emotion. She acted that way not because she didn’t care or treasure what they had but rather for the reason that she’s losing herself when they were together. She’s turning into someone that she never wanted to be: a love wrecker, a mistress. So even if she feels a tinge of regret, pain and longing for him, she knows that no matter what one thing will never be taken away from her: DIGNITY.

Regardless of the probability that he toyed her, she doesn’t care anymore. Because she let herself gave in and just feel everything. She still has a dozen of questions in her mind, questioning the validity of her feelings and his but she gave an odd smirk and said: “What the hell for?”.

It is all over. A story that has no beginning ended.

...Trampoline...

When all the things around you seems to be falling out of place and dilapidating so fast that it does not make a single sense at all, you know you are falling to a dark abyss.

Falling unconscious and helplessly we struggle to move and comprehend what is going on but in the end we just surrender to the thought that we are indeed gonna hit rock bottom. We try to swim hard as if we are drowning and something is suffocating us, crushing our lungs until every breath is so hard to take in. We try to fight it, just to reach the surface and breathe fresh air again. The air of being fine and okay, the air of euphoria.

But every persistent try ends with a cry, it's not easy to just bounce yourself back again, no matter how easy it sounds coz where you are? Is in a deep ocean. Fighting for your life, swimming like crazy just to survive but your whole torso is shackled with big ball of chains. Escape is not possible. Trying is an option but dying is inevitable.

In a split second, you wonder if there is reason for all these. Should i fathom something from this dark unknown abyss? Still struggling, you give off your last adrenalin...fight or flight? You want to fight but your mind already chose to surrender. Surrender and just let you hit the ground with a big loud thud.

Surprisingly, after hitting the bottom, it felt incredulously fine and serene than what you have been expecting. You even felt more relax now than before trying to break off to the surface. Then something came into you, you felt enlightened. You closed your eyes and gave a sweet smile and said: "I just need to just let things be, I don't have fight it....just fall. Even if I know its gonna be disastrous coz sometimes we just need to feel all these...we need to reach the bottom in order to bounce back. The more you resist falling, the more its gonna hurt".

...Stranger...

Can I hold your hand? Can I hug you tight for a minute or two? I don’t need your stories and your cute little smiles; I just need to feel warmth again. I just need to know how it feels to have someone who cares again.

I’ve been looking of ways on how to replace it…how to substitute a human’s touch but all I can do is take a warm shower and pretend someone is hugging me tightly…I want it to last but my skin will get burned and pruned if I stay too long…a feeling of warmth for 5 minutes, haha…taking a shower, my freaking desperate way of sorting out my longing and sadness.

Crying in the night, feeling helpless and lonely. A feeling of relentless incompleteness, how can I stop these?? All I can do is hug my pillow tight, close my eyes and turn the volume of my ipod up just to calm my mourning soul.

I’m a fucked up and miserable soul, so don’t be surprised to find me odd. I’m not talkative, not friendly and not even fun to be with! I’m broken and I give up trying to fix me.

Thank you for listening and still staying. I know you think this is weird but your presence is enough to make me smile. Haha. And nowadays? All I care about is being okay…and I must say, you make my unstable complicated life a lot better. Stranger, very friendly stranger…just stay around coz I like you to be my friend and maybe by then I won’t have to call you stranger anymore.

...kay bestfwend kabute...

You are one of a kind,
You don’t wanna say that you love or care for someone,
But I know you’re hurting.

You just have an expert way of concealing it.
You have a funny way of showing you care,
Have a pride that fries the faintest heart.
So what would it be….
An overload of happiness and praise,
Endless chase for love and loyalty but when it’s right in front of you,
You get scared and suddenly get blind.
Don’t ask me the answer
Coz I know you already know…
The answer lies in the deepest chamber of your heart,
And that person is the one that makes it beat like crazy,
Accepted you and loved your flaws,
And you know that in his arms is the only place you feel safe.
You’ve been in this road a lot of times
Don't you think it's time to make a turn?
Everyone can hurt you,
It’s just choosing who's worth all the pain!

...Loose Connection...

Thousand suppressed feelings and inevitable irritability. Do I sound like I’m having PMS? God, but that is always how I feel nowadays. Like sometimes I just ask myself out of nowhere: What the fuck is your problem??? Sigh, I’m tired of figuring what is wrong with me so I just settle with my simplest explanation: it’s just the way I am and I can’t change it no matter how I badly want to, it’s like an innate kind of personality flaw or should I say personality tantrums.

I’ve always been an ambiguous person, I don’t know what I want and I’m pretty quite sure I don’t know myself. And what’s happening to me now? I haven’t had a single clue. It’s like the feeling that you’re swimming in a thousand gallons of mixed emotions but you feel nothing but empty. It’s like someone snatched your soul and you’re just left with a mortal body: walking, talking and interacting but you show no emotion. It’s weird, even how I interact with the people I like or care about, I wanted badly to talk to them more and make them laugh but I feel so restraint I can’t do anything about it. I wanted badly to feel something, just to feel that I’m still real but it never comes, well sometimes it does come but it’s never really the appropriate one; that’s why I get irritated a lot. I’m a shitlful, senseless and humorless prick; how can I expect to have a better and caring social life with this kind of attitude?

I don’t know if there’s just a loose connection between my mind, my heart and my soul. I don’t know if I have a problem and it is just my body’s way of reacting upon it but I just hope I know it sooner, so I can fix it and deal with properly so I can be human again and feel something that is appropriate.

...<>...

Everything you love will only bring you to tears,

Tears will only make you love even more,

And more? Will just hurt you!

You deserve better than that!

...Limang Segundo...

“I love you more than a friend too!”

Tumigil ang mundo ko ng sinabi niya ang mga katagang iyon. Parang may biglang tumulak sa akin pero hindi pa naman ako umaalis sa aking kinatatayuan, parang may nagbuhos ng isang baldeng malamig na tubig sa aking katawan at sa isang saglit napansin ko na lamang na biglang tumigil sa pagtibok ang aking puso. Kasabay nito, parang isang mabilis na tren, nagbalik ang nakaraan na parang kahapon lamang. Lahat ng pangyayari, maling akala, mga sirang pag-asa, walang kamatayang pagmamahal, paghintay at ligaya.

Anong nararamdaman ko? Limang Segundo. Ano kamo? Mahirap ipaliwanag pero sasabihin ko sayo kung anong naramdaman ko sa limang Segundo matapos niyang sabihin sa akin iyon.

Unang Segundo (PAGKABIGLA)

Naasar ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ko pa naisipang itanong sa kanya ang mga bagay bagay na katulad na iyon na alam ko namang matagal ng nabaon sa limot, pero ewan ko ba, gusto ko kasing malaman…nanlalamig ang mga kamay ko habang naghihintay sa kanyang sagot.

At nang malaman ko na nga…ayun, parang tanga lang akong natigilan, alam ko may nararamdaman na rin kasi ako dati pa pero hindi ko akalaing totoo pala ang aking hinala, malay ko ba?? Akala ko kasi nagiilusyon lang akong mahal nga niya ako.

Ikalawang Segundo (ASAR)

Sinabi niya na mahal niya ko pero sa panahong di ko na kailangang marinig na mahal nya ko dahil wala ng saysay kumbaga at ang tanging rason lamang ng pagsabi niyang iyon ay upang ipaalam sa akin na oo, minahal niya rin ako.

Asar dahil sinabi ko na sa kanya dati, oo, umamin ako sa kanyang mahal ko sya pero hindi naman sya umamin sa akin dati, naguho ang buong mundo ko nun…oo lumuwag nga ang pakiramdam ko dahil napaalam ko sa kanyang mahal ko sya, pero syempre, masakit ding malaman na di kanya mahal di ba? Naghihintay kasi ako na umamin din sya sa akin, para sa akin kasi, senyales na yon para magpakatotoo kame sa aming nararamdaman kung pareho nga kame ng saloobin, pero di sya umamin, senyales din yon para sa akin na ngi-ilusyon lang ako na mahal niya rin ako at sumang-ayon na rin ako sa sinabi ng aking kaibigan na “in-love lang ako sa thought na in-love ako”.

Hinayaan niya lang akong maging miserable, hinayaan niya kong magdusa sa kanyang ala-ala, umiyak ng dagat at di makatulog sa kaiisip gayong alam niya namang tanging siya lang ang aking tanging gamot!

Ikatatlong Segundo (PANGHIHINAYANG)

Sinong tanga naman ang hindi manghihinayang hindi ba? Lumagpas sa palad mo ang isa sa maraming pagkakataon na maging tunay na maligaya dahil lamang sa simpleng rason na wala syang lakas ng loob para ipaglaban ang iyong nararamdaman hindi ba?

Sinabi niya na isa sa mga rason kung bakit hindi niya sinabi ay dahil natatakot siyang masaktan niya ko. Nakakatawa. Sinabi ko sa kanya, ang tanging bagay lamang na nagbigay pighati sa akin ay ang iyong paglayo. Kung alam niya lang kung anong handa kong talikuran at ibalewala para sa kanya dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na ang naramdaman ko para sa kanya ay isa sa pinakamalalim na pede kong maramdaman para sa isang tao.

Ika-apat na Segundo (GALAK)

Natuwa ako dahil napatunayan kong marunong talaga akong maghamahal at hindi lang ako nagi-ilusyon, na ang aking mga kutob ay may katwiran din pala…may nadulot na kabutihan ang pa gamin niyang ‘yon dahil hindi napunta sa wala ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya dati, na hindi naman pala basta basta lang tumatalsik ang pagmamahal ko sa isang pader at bumabalik lang sa akin, minahal niya din ako…

Ikalimang Segundo (KAPAYAPAAN NG ISIP)

Pinagnilay nilayan ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin dati, sino bang may kasalanan? Sinong nagkulang? Pinaglaban ko ba ng sapat ang naramdaman ko sa kanya? Sinabi ko ba ang mga dapat ko talagang sabihin? Tama na ba talaga yun? Para sa akin, sapat na sa akin yon. Kung meron mang nagkamali, sa opinyon ko ay sya na yun. Wala akong pinanghihinayangan kung minahal ko man sya o hindi, kung nagkatuluyan kame o hinde dahil marami akong natutunan sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya…naging matapang ako, mas matatag at mas nakilala ko ang aking sarili. Kung meron mang dapat manghinayang, siguro ay siya na yun, dahil di niya ko hinayaang mapakita kung gaano ko sya kamahal at kung gaano sya kahalaga, haha..ang kapal nuh??!

Ang totoo niyan, walang dapat sisishin dahil hindi na mahalaga kung sino ang nagkamali, nagkulang o naduwag dahil ang mga bagay na tulad nito ay parte ng ating buhay na siyang kailangan natin upang matuto. Ang mahalaga ay kung paano natin ito gagamitin sa kasalukuyan o kinabukasan. Natutunan ko na kung may nararamdaman akong matindi para sa isang tao, hindi ko na ito itatago...ipaglalaban at isisigaw ko ito sa buong mundo, wala na akong paki sa aking pride o kung ano mang kahihinatnan dahil ang mahalaga ay sinubukan mo sa lahat ng iyong makakaya na ipaalam sa taong mahal mo kung gaano siya kaimportante sayo!

Napayapa ang isip ko dahil nasaran ko na ang isang parte ng buhay ko na palagi lamang nakabukas dati dahil hindi ko pa nalalaman ang katotohanan, kaya salamat sa iyong katapatan, malaking bagay iyon para sa akin at nagagalak akong kaibigan pa rin kita hanggang ngayon.

...Goodbye For Now, My Snowman...

Tired of loving.
Sick of scarring.
No more room for hoping.

It’ll be perfect if you’re the one. It’ll be good because you know me by heart and not by sight. But perfect only happens in dreams but in reality we’re not meant to be. You got someone by your side and for all I know loves you dearly. Though you’re saying I have your heart, it’s hard for me to break somebody’s heart just because of my selfish reason – that I love you.

She came first in your life and at some part I know you loved her so too. She has every right to be happy and have your undivided love and attention. I have no right to hurt her. I’m a parasite in this story and I feed only to your love, it’s keeping me alive and happy but I’m gonna hurt someone and I just don’t want to be that kind of person.

I’m letting go not because you don’t mean anything to me nor that I don’t treasure what we had, I’m letting you go coz it’s not our time to love each other yet. I don’t believe in destiny but I know we’ll bump into each other someday and we’ll continue what we had and we’ll make sweet stories and fairytales come true…everyone will envy us.

Goodbye, for now my snowman.

...Undernearth the Sheets...

All is asleep but the night is still young, two creatures are covered with darkness but still wide awake. They forced a laugh awhile ago while drinking a whole bottle of tonic. They were trying hard to create a happy façade but when it was time to sleep it seems that every bit of sadness, longing and pain that they’ve been hiding is now lingering…Alas! An alcohol’s effect is really temporary!

Silence. Snore. Silence…Arrgh! It seems like a loud irritating tick of clock! The unbearable silence and doing nothing to stop it seemed to crack the first creature. Then after a minute or two, the second creature felt someone under her sheets…then it happens:

Gently those lips landed into mine…
Moist enough to take me by surprise!
But soon that tongue followed thru…
God!
That moist tongue, that lips…
It was driving me nuts!
Stuck in the middle of being freaked and being skeptical..
Being afraid and wanting to act upon her curiosity.
I let go…
Thought about every person I loved and wished to kiss-
I kissed back.
Memories of lost love made me so ecstatic.
So I kissed even more, fuck.
Licking the tongue that initiated it and biting that lips that brought back the memories.
Harder and longer I kiss the lips…
Feeling every bit, sucking all the energy to me.
Feeling the heat underneath the sheets, I felt a hand touched my breast, then down to my hips…
God! How I loved to be touched!
Then the hand removed my cover and barred my supple chest…
Damn. The moist lips was present again,
Kissing them gently, sucking them.
Oh my Lord, I thought of someone who I wanted to fuck so badly.
I thrusted to the opposite body with my clothes on,
Back and forth, forth and back, like I’m fucking someone.
Shit..
I licked the ear and kiss even harder…surrendering to the idea of what may happen next..
But then something broke the momentum
The person stopped.
And I was taken away from my dreamland-
I’m now back to my nightmare, my reality…
And the first thing I said was:
“What the fuck am I doing??!”

...be my hope, my strength...

i pricked my finger just to feel something, shouted my lungs out just to let it out and cursed under my breath just to see if it will have an effect. my life is completely fucked up and i' m losing my head.

everytime i feel a sudden bliss, someone or something will take it away..like i don't deserve it. everybody has a go on me...

myself, ah, myself. i hope you can go easy on her coz we've been weaving our own dreams to reality now. running tru walls and strong winds just to prove that anything can be made if only you have patience, determination and got a thick face to make it happen! tremendously enough we've been enduring our misfortunes and crap...

can somebody turn off my fucking head??? tell my brain to stop thinking, stop worrying coz its driving me crazy...

loneliness is killing me!!
being independent is liberating but it can ruin you too
i just need someone, ryt now.
to hold my hand,
stroke my hair,
hug me tight,
and whisper to my ear: "shh, calm down...it's gonna be ok".
coz
this wave of emotions is out of my hands now.
i cant control it.
be my strength, be my hope...
tame thy demons that rain inside me!
i need someone, anybody??
coz
if there's no one...
then i'll have to hold my own hand again,
pretending it is someone who cares,
someone who really gives a crap about me,
not just pity.
but pure affection,
pure love...
T-T

...love me now or lose me forever...

gentle soul, i hope you know what is your worth,
what those eyes do to me,
what your lips can do to make me whole,
what your touch makes me feel.
what your voice do to me,

your smile, your laugh, is my happiness.
when can we stop conforming and just be open?
open to love each other no matter what?
no boundaries.
no pretensions.
no chaos.
nothing to hide and be ashamed of.

just you and me...
you are breaking my heart but you probably don't know that.
i'm loving you so much secretly that i can't contain it no more.
do you love me too?
i know you know who you are...

i just wanna know if i mean the same way to you...
i love you.
don't be cruel to me again, just be true...
i'm leaving myself vulnerable and open to you...

i'm yours.
love me now or lose me forever.
say it now and you'll have me forever.

...nowhere near okay...

i stumble everytime i believe I'm doing okay, i struggle to remain my composure, just to say im strong. i dodge away my negativity just to fool myself that there is still hope but now? im nowhere near okay, im close to hitting the ground yet i have nothing to hold onto, no one to catch my fall or no one to help me.

how many times do i have to be hurt, cry and bleed to learn? do i just lack presence of mind? or am i just playing dumb? or maybe the simplest answer would be - I'm just dumb. i can't go to work now! i feel fucked up. fed up and burnt out of embarrassment! and thanks for the hot gossiping that surely helps my over to the top confidence! i hate snakes. i hate backfighters, i hate hypocrites, i hate kind people who always say it's ok eventhough they know I'm a loose cannon, i hate people talking to me like they know and understand how shitty i feel...i hate them all! but mostly i just hate myself.


im here, all alone, cold, beaten up and crying in the corner. feeling like a crap and defeated. i surrender. i can't win this stupid battle that i forced myself into...i can't take another step no more for i'll made another dumb mistake or worse, that I'll humiliate myself even more....no more. im tired. each day is already a lose battle that's killing me slowly...

i just wanna rest till every part of my aching soul replenish...till the last drop of tears from eyes fall, till i find my hope again.

im nowhere near okay.

...oct of last yr...

My mind is awfully clear yet my eyes are drowning with tears…My whole body is numb from exhaustion and all my day in activities melted like a candle. My hands, filled with eminent proof of hardwork, scratches that embody my struggle to fit in a different world and scars that lingers because of many insecurities. Although my body has been weakened by work I do not complain, my only concern is that I’m curing loneliness with work. I’m trying hard not to be too melodramatic…but everytime I walk home, the faces that always swoon off my mind are the people I left behind coz in them I felt that I truly belong, happy and should I say, I truly felt important.

Living here, gave me a new perspective, a new outlook to life. I learned how to be more mature, more responsible, stronger and more independent than I was before. Because back before in my homeland, we have the culture and mentality that our parents should be responsible for us until more or less we graduated from college. Graduating from college, finding a work and managing our own salary, this is the time we consider ourselves independent from our parents. But here? All of that mentality seems pathetic to me coz I learned that by the age of just 15 here, you can find a job, help a bit in the house expenses, treat yourself or help yourself in your school expenses. I realized how lucky I was before coz my parents are like spoon feeding me with everything that I need and want. I don’t earn or work for it, they work for it and I just ask and I get what I want, how convenient for me right?

I feel quite ashamed for what I did before…being insensitive to my parent's part. Coz like they said before I always think that money can grow on trees, I never value them. But now I know what they meant, big time. I must admit that at the first couple of months I’m annoyed that I have to work, carry loads of heavy Rubbermaid totes or pay a cheque to my sister for a chip in our groceries, believe me there’s a lot of resistance and a bit of anger but you know what? I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything now coz I have transformed into someone I never thought I’d be. These bruises, wound, scars and scratches? I’m not ashamed of them! In fact they are my precious trophies. I won it tough by working hard and the prize is my stronger, better and responsible persona.

...nicotine...

"A stick of nicotine a day keeps the psychologist away." -Rinna

I befriended nicotine ever since I was just twelve and quite frankly, until today we have the tightest bond ever! I never really knew why I cling so much to it, all I know is that it started with a simple curiosity.

I'm a type of kid that wants to try all and knowing smokes were on the trend, I wanted to try it. And then I tried it, it never really gave me any satisfaction back then and I even ask, why the heck people do want it? It's just a piece of nonsense crap! But then I grew up, my life started to be complicated and problems doubled up everyday. I'm really not that open to other people back then and never really talk to anyone with things that keep eating me up inside. So, I found company in smoking. I finally found its purpose - my outlet and my sweet serenity.


Have you ever felt so down, pissed, bored or at lost and you just wanna do something to ease it? What is your solution to ease it? Mine is to smoke. I don't have a direct explanation why but all I know is that when life is giving me a hard time and i feel so darn perplexed, smoking makes me think clearly. A sweet silence that releases tension, everything is just in its constant slow motion, pain is dropping by an inch, boredom runs away and problems? Well, since everything is in slow motion it gives you enough time to think what is really happening or how you should approach this and that. I don't find solutions in smoking, it HELPS me find the solution.


Don't get me wrong I'm not so attached to smoking that I'm actually addicted to it, Yes I do smoke but I'm not totally dependent on it. I can even stop smoking for a month or even a year! But I guess to totally quit as in I won't ever smoke again for the rest of my life? I will have to say no. Coz for me, it is my back up emotional help.


It's hard to explain, but sometimes to have to do what works for you, what helps you...just to get through the day.

...fwend....

in this world i barely know,
i struggle to just belong,
struggle to act like they do,
speak like they do...

trying to fit in coz I'm trying / hoping...
that i can feel that simple carefree feeling



then i came to realize...
i can't...

coz I'm not longing for a new friend to come,
just you, again...

...old ma sentiments...

Everytime I hear her voice, I dunno if she really intends to do it but every word that came out in her mouth will only make me: irritated, mad or will just make me feel like a crap. You know the feeling that you’re about to fell to the ground and she just push you right there to it! Right to that ground, crushes your ego and remaining little hopes.

So why blame me if I don’t wanna speak to her? She never really had the motherly eminence that a child would like to have. Even if you don’t wanna talk about a certain issue she’ll just continue to push it, push it to humiliate yourself and make you feel even worse. Instead of clearing confusions and frustrations she’ll just throw it twice right back to you and will make you realize that you are the lousiest idiot in the planet. She’ll only add more negativity to you no matter how visibly hurt you are…

My sentiments, my apology…this is just the way I feel. I’m sorry but a wound that started long ago can’t be cured that abruptly and sometimes I wonder if will it ever really heal?

I dunno. All I know is that sometimes? I wish I could’ve had a different mom. A very strong statement right? But I’m not seeking approval here or something, I’m just here to express how I feel and these feelings? Just don’t come because of the spur of the moment thing, it has a long time basis. Life is not perfect, so much like this.

...10/25/07...

The hardest person to please is ourselves.
The highest expectation to reach is the one we set for ourselves.
The most hurtful defeat is having to lose yourself to your ego.

Problem starts based on how we perceive them in our minds that is why we should modify it first. We make our own monsters in our head, monsters that haunt us even if we're wide awake. We created them, we entertained the thought that is why we are suffering.

Don't baffle yourself with problems that have solutions....you can save your sanity by not thinking too much...ayt?? :)

...PPS...

How do you know when to stop? When you reached your limit and you’re giving all you got and still you ended up dishearten? When you push yourself so much but the end of the tunnel is just getting narrower at your every try?

All my hopes have been swept away by the gush of self doubts…I lose my optimism and honestly? I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I dunno how many times I cursed under my breath and said: I wanna quit! But my ego won’t let me say that out loud for I’m not a quitter.

But if thy frustrations will be kept silently inside me, it’ll be all pilled up and I may just explode one day without knowing it so I thought, I’d take the chance, I will confess my weakness. I have to for I don’t wanna pretend to be somebody that I am not.

I know she always says: It’s ok but at the back of my mind I know that it’s not ok. I’m afraid my mistakes will reflect on her and really, that’s the last thing I want to do for she has been nothing but good to me. Funny coz I way think more that I’m messing up than her, everytime I think I’m in trouble and I talk to her she always say that I’m doing a great job and that if I’m really in deep trouble she will be the one to approach me.

I made a promise to her that if there’s something really wrong I’ll tell her and all the time she asks if I’m ok I can’t help to say that I’m just lying but I knew that she knows that something is not right, I can sense it. It’s just that I just don’t want to let her know about my weakness and that she may have the idea that I’m not fit to be in the job.

The first time I was pressured was the first week, coz having to be new with all the post office things, I kinda felt stressed coz I have to learn and absorb these things before they get the idea to fire me. The second time was the second weeks for I knew that by this time I should be able to do things perfectly and as much as possible minimize the occurrence of errors. And lastly, was this week, I can’t help to blame myself automatically if there are some errors coz for the fact that I’m the new one, I should be the one to blame coz new ones suck up, right? It’s just that having to think this, and having to encounter more errors during my shifts, I’m just starting to doubt myself and lose my self confidence.

Fuck. It really sucks. And I’m damned coz I’m starting to have insomnia again, I'm losing my appetite (which hardly happens by the way) and my nicotine urge is starting to be more frequent than before which means that I’m having my PPS (pre-problematic symptoms) …these things, are my signs that I am way having more stress than I can handle.

...boys...

boys all have flowery tounges. it's either you play with them or they'll play you.
words are easy said and done so, don't flatter yourself so much and believe it's all true.

i have this rule in establishing a relationship with anyone: ALWAYS BE IN THE MIDDLE. never be too atttached and never be too cold. coz by doing that, you can save yourself from pain that you know you cant recover with and also, since your just in the middle, having to let go is easy coz you only have to step back twice or thrice and it's never gonna be hard.

it's a precaution i always take coz by doing this, im not really limiting myself coz im exploring both ways too...im not closing any doors, im looking of the possiblities and just waiting if stepping outside that door is worth it, you know what i mean??

...how are you?...

seems like an easy question ayt? a simple question with a simple answer.

"i'm great and you?"

but no matter how hard i emphasize that i am ok it seems that she has a bionic eye or something coz she's seeing what i truly feel.

everytime she pops up that question i hope i can just say: i feel pressured, can i quit now? LOL. but no, i can't coz i had already develop a sense of respect for her and i cant take to repay her super duper kindness to me with such crap.

"like a fading candle in the night, my soul is slowly wearing out, burning out of luck and enthusiasm...charred by failures that seems to be doubling up everyday...alas! i wanna give up and yet if i do, ill just waste ur trust... T-T"

our mouths can lie but not thy heart that feels and never thy eyes that is a transparent link to our souls...it's raining inside me and yet if i admit it, it is as good as saying i am weak..but thy self...is finding it hard to mask and muffle all the frustrations and worries...

her kindness entered my heart with such an impact that i can't explain. she treats me like as if i am her daughter....it's overwhelming. it's just so sad that i am raised to be a cold and quiet person, i cant treat her with such enthusiasm that she deserves. too bad im not her daughter coz you know what? it'll be cool to have a mother like that. i love her to death :)

...irritated...

in a dark and chilly corner she waited and plead that someone will come and hug her tight but no one really ever came...she fight back the tears that are already starting to fall, sniff and then breathe heavily and said: i gotta be strong for myself, gotta be the source of strength and not somebody else...coz if i still put my faith that they can be my cure i will forever be dependent to them...and if by chance they dont care no more i will be a helpless soul again waiting for others to feed me with strength.

i am withdrawing myself from waiting for them coz each time i wait and finally got someone with the yellow sign, i only get even more irritated...coz it's either they are more self absorbed or they simply don't wanna care...

so this i say: just smoke a stick of cigar...it is a good replacement for friends.

...why ask?...

The night pushed in as the tears kept flowing instantaneously from my cheeks, submerging all my frustrations, struggles and insecurities for the past 2 months.

Ah! Sweet release of tension! Clearing my soul from all emotional baggage.

Thousand of faces yet unknown
Couple of smiles yet I dunno what is real
Many roads yet I dunno which to choose

Pounding myself to give the best
Trying to rub off my insecurities
Imitating a strong person

I have a blurred goal
Proving something to erase all the prejudice
Struggling to earn that rightful respect

But here I am alone, asking:
What the hell for??

Each and everyone of these faces I see
I don’t even care about

So why ask to care for me?

...bittersweet....

laughters ringing in my ears, faces flashing in my head and memories flooding me with stark dejectedness. Reading stories from friends who are miles apart is a bittersweet moment.

having the privilege to be still part of their present life is a such a gift and quite rare for everybody can be your friend today but few can offer you to be still part of their life in the future...still, not having to be there at the most important event in their life or even just the ordinary days is a sad thing for you're missing the physical bondness that that certain event can only give :(

...Hole Inside ME...

There’s something wrong with me. I feel like somebody bore a hole inside me and snatched it away from me, like a donut. This hole, this emptiness, this missing piece…is YOU.

Swimming into the depths of memories and diving in to search for the one that I truly cared for…the one that just fits in me, captivated my soul by just having the distinct persona that you posses, the only ONE, my happiness.

It’s hard to move when you’re not around, for everywhere I go there’s no escape of ever keeping you off of my mind…the sudden bliss of merely just being with you, the acceptance, the warmth, the connection that attached me to you and the security and contentment that i feel everytime I'm wrap around those arms of yours.

My eyes are already dripping of melancholy by just saying it…my heart melts just by the thought of it…my every soul weakens everytime I feel it.There’s nothing lot to say…just this three words… I miss you.

That simple void in meaning words is all that I can say to you…

I miss you…so bad.

I wanna hear myself laugh again, like the times I laughed when we were just acting dumb and being crazy. Wanna be able to feel that once more, I wanna be myself again…break this wrap that covered me, rupture this before I die of asphyxiation…help me breathe in normally again…loneliness is killing me everyday...darn, I need you.

...sense of pride...

Breathing in the air of a land I never thought I will set foot on...challenging myself to fit in and fighting the urge of nostalgia to not kick in..chasing after my lost dreams and emancipating my soul from grudges & negativity..im trying..trying hard.

I am overwhelmed by all this sudden events but I am not in shock. I am happy that I am here but not totally happy. I'm scared at the momment for everything is so new and so over the top that sometimes I find it hard to follow and comprehend. Every now and then a sudden gloom will penetrate me for no reason but I don't wanna hear a crap about regretting, I'm coping, okay? And Im trying so bad to adjust to this sudden change or else I will be left behind.

It's just that, I suddelnly realized the value of harwork and that being dependent to yourself only can be a little frustrating and lonely at the same time. Growing up, I'm always used to depending my faith in other's hands and now here I am alone and taking care of myself. It's a big change but I'm happy for myself in a way that I'm earning money from my own hard work and eventhough my mother and sister will say it's not that much for a pay and my friends will taunt me for such a low class type of work, which greatly hurt my competitiveness and ego by the way, But you know what? Somewhere deep inside me is a sense of pride for myself coz I greatly earn all that and accomplish it with my own self doing...that for a long time in my 19 years of existence, I found a new reason to be proud of myself and respect her :)

...totally moved on...

How will you know you trully moved on from someone?

It is when you look at them and listen to them talk...only to realize that the "magical" feeling that drove you crazily and passionately "in love" with him is gone. That the person you are now staring at is just a known face with a known name.

...love stoned...

I no longer feel the magic of love
I am stoned.
I don't wanna be vulnerable again.
coz everytime I fall,
no one ever really catch me.

I fall so swiftly
So I have to pay the consequence of it:
Falling helplessly and crashing with a hurtful pain.

Building dreams and fairytale fantasies of love
had swept away my sanity..
Having illusions of of a perfect love
is such a petty excuse for my insecurities
and a desperate attempt to save myself from loneliness.

Love can kill as they say...
I have been killed by it several times
and now I'm wondering how come I'm still here?

No more secrets...
No more lies to cover up embarassment...
No more pretending!

I am weak
So don't you dare break me,
I'm fragile.

...how i saw myself before...

im a simple nothing whatever-goes type person na at first glance kala mo harmless pro a real pain in the ass pala...my expectations & pathetic dreams have made me from who i am ryt now..kaladkarin pagdating s mga lakad at minsan my sariling mundo...d dw marunong magalit...mlaks mangarap kya laging bigo, hehe...simple things in life make me smile and likewise to make me dpresssed...i love my life, though complicated, i will continue loving it! ^-^
i love my friends 4 in them-i found my sunctuary, hapiness and loud funking music, hehe..

"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need until I bleed so my heart swims above my head"


emotional freak, hyper at cry baby nga daw sabi ng iba..pro once n nkl2 m nko, i guess mssny k n s mga weird habits ko...mhlg ako kmnta pro music doesnt like me dat much ...im a type of person na will do anything just help others, watcha see is what 'ya dont get. i fancy ppol hu has strong personality espcially dos who olweiz seems to hav no problems, time spent with them makes life much interesting : makulit poh ko at minsan parang bangag..im a type of person n will feell self worth if i hav smthing to do..i tend to be a loner and whatever i believe in it verges to be fanatical...sometimes, i waste a lot of my time searchng of "something" that i don't even know what...im a lost soul, waiting to find the real me, i wanna discover & xperience great joy & fulfillmet in lyf (OA ba?) i like doing things in my own way, i like drnking cofee & staring at the stars...i enjoy watchng movies & doing thngs i've never done b4...my friends call me "peng" its a long story but it is short for penguin, nature lover dw, i enjoy taking pictures & writing crazy stuffs..mdyo mahiyain pro s umpisa lang namn, hehe...shit always happens but this gurl? she may fall a hundred tyms but one thing's for sure..she'll remain standing.

"BE LIKE THE DUCK! COOL AND UNRUFFLED ON THE SURFACE BUT PADDLING HARD UNDERNEATH

...kiss...

In a game I dare you to play,
you were brave enough to stay,
I then wondered there's no turning back,
and there's no time to think what is lack

so the momentum flows as we go close...
every part of my body is starting to get cold..
and in a battle of fire and ice,
I gently closed my eyes...
felt those lips into mine...

but i was frozen....
and you stare at me and I don't know what
to think anymore...

your eyes have already drowned me off from reality...
a sudden bliss for no reason...
a memory that will forever be seen...

cornered by fate at the right time...
captured my heart in an angle i can't understand...

thanks for making me feel special...
forever special in my smiling heart,
let's see what's in store for us...

could you wait for me?
or are we just in the right place at the right time?

when enthusiams subside...
and time overlaps all thee..
will you still abide?

...pensive...

As I watched the vagueness of the fields passing swiftly as our car moved, I also felt a sudden gush of trance in me. I pensive to my life, probing the things I’ve done and how I suddenly found answers to my once unanswered questions…

Funny how all the locks open when it’s already too late. Realizations, regrets, angst and embarrassments struck us only after the incidents happen. It’s always out of timing and out of tune.

I asked myself: what have I learned? And in instant situations came swooping in my head…some are happy, some are sad and others are just too regretful to even think about. Some of those you even wanna go back and experience it again or rather fix.

There are things we can’t change but there are still those that we can. Everyday that the sun comes up in the morning, we have this mentality that it will be just the same as yesterday but you know what? It's not the same because each day that we live we grow, we become stronger, we learn and we become wiser than our yester'days self! Coz like the sun, life goes on…it will never stop, so keep on shining as bright as it can! It's a reminder that there is another day to make things right, better and fulfilling.

This is my life now...I gotta hold on to it, accept and swallow the situation before it swallows me...Old habits should be dump...release all emotional baggage...Ought to move to get some results...No one can break me if I trust myself!

...my naiveness on love...

A bestfriend of mine, Fi, once said to me that maybe what I felt before is not love, maybe I am just in love with the idea that I am in love. Those words from her streaked me hard on the inside that it almost felt like it was an arrow. Damn, this is what I love about her, she sees me in a different way that I never could think off but you know what? She’s always right. It sucks but I am always thankful for her because she keeps me from becoming a sullen, psychotic and hopeless romantic. Being an emo and an artist (well, I see my self as that, don’t argue…lol) it seems that you absorb every single feeling you have and there’s a big chunk of tendency to over do it. The result? It may lead to exaggeration. You get more attached to the person deeper than it should be. You tend to define this sudden depth into the idea that you are in love. And once you’re addicted to the idea of it, it gets to an obsessive habit that’s not easy to let go!

True and fair enough, it was me. I find it hard to believe at first but I mulled it over and yeah, it was me. Now, my definitions of love is now blurred coz now, I think that I never really have loved anyone because all along, I was only playing a role that I created and wanted for myself. Fi also said to me, she don’t really even consider loving someone for yourself only to love coz love should work on both ways and not only a one way thing. Ouch. So this blog that contained my fraud is only an eminent proof that I am such an eccentric, deceitful and assumption making loser. I fear myself for now I develop the thought that I am not the type of person one should be close with coz I have this tendency to “fall madly in love”, or at least that is what I think of. I am afraid of it to happen coz when it does; I will loose myself in the process. I don’t want that to ever happen again, coz I will truly hate myself and lose my self respect.

I have many inner battles going on right now. I don’t know how to put them into words coz I’ll further humiliate myself if I do. I just know that my assumptions are always wrong and I don’t really understand people’s way or actions. I hunger for love that’s why I found them always or mistaken it in the persona of someone near me, someone close to me, someone I let my heart out to.

I once have the policy to myself that I don’t want to be close to someone coz it’s either or both: I will truly be dependent to him or I will love him! I guess I should keep that policy.