How do you know when to stop? When you reached your limit and you’re giving all you got and still you ended up dishearten? When you push yourself so much but the end of the tunnel is just getting narrower at your every try?
All my hopes have been swept away by the gush of self doubts…I lose my optimism and honestly? I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I dunno how many times I cursed under my breath and said: I wanna quit! But my ego won’t let me say that out loud for I’m not a quitter.
But if thy frustrations will be kept silently inside me, it’ll be all pilled up and I may just explode one day without knowing it so I thought, I’d take the chance, I will confess my weakness. I have to for I don’t wanna pretend to be somebody that I am not.
I know she always says: It’s ok but at the back of my mind I know that it’s not ok. I’m afraid my mistakes will reflect on her and really, that’s the last thing I want to do for she has been nothing but good to me. Funny coz I way think more that I’m messing up than her, everytime I think I’m in trouble and I talk to her she always say that I’m doing a great job and that if I’m really in deep trouble she will be the one to approach me.
I made a promise to her that if there’s something really wrong I’ll tell her and all the time she asks if I’m ok I can’t help to say that I’m just lying but I knew that she knows that something is not right, I can sense it. It’s just that I just don’t want to let her know about my weakness and that she may have the idea that I’m not fit to be in the job.
The first time I was pressured was the first week, coz having to be new with all the post office things, I kinda felt stressed coz I have to learn and absorb these things before they get the idea to fire me. The second time was the second weeks for I knew that by this time I should be able to do things perfectly and as much as possible minimize the occurrence of errors. And lastly, was this week, I can’t help to blame myself automatically if there are some errors coz for the fact that I’m the new one, I should be the one to blame coz new ones suck up, right? It’s just that having to think this, and having to encounter more errors during my shifts, I’m just starting to doubt myself and lose my self confidence.
Fuck. It really sucks. And I’m damned coz I’m starting to have insomnia again, I'm losing my appetite (which hardly happens by the way) and my nicotine urge is starting to be more frequent than before which means that I’m having my PPS (pre-problematic symptoms) …these things, are my signs that I am way having more stress than I can handle.
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