A bestfriend of mine, Fi, once said to me that maybe what I felt before is not love, maybe I am just in love with the idea that I am in love. Those words from her streaked me hard on the inside that it almost felt like it was an arrow. Damn, this is what I love about her, she sees me in a different way that I never could think off but you know what? She’s always right. It sucks but I am always thankful for her because she keeps me from becoming a sullen, psychotic and hopeless romantic. Being an emo and an artist (well, I see my self as that, don’t argue…lol) it seems that you absorb every single feeling you have and there’s a big chunk of tendency to over do it. The result? It may lead to exaggeration. You get more attached to the person deeper than it should be. You tend to define this sudden depth into the idea that you are in love. And once you’re addicted to the idea of it, it gets to an obsessive habit that’s not easy to let go!
True and fair enough, it was me. I find it hard to believe at first but I mulled it over and yeah, it was me. Now, my definitions of love is now blurred coz now, I think that I never really have loved anyone because all along, I was only playing a role that I created and wanted for myself. Fi also said to me, she don’t really even consider loving someone for yourself only to love coz love should work on both ways and not only a one way thing. Ouch. So this blog that contained my fraud is only an eminent proof that I am such an eccentric, deceitful and assumption making loser. I fear myself for now I develop the thought that I am not the type of person one should be close with coz I have this tendency to “fall madly in love”, or at least that is what I think of. I am afraid of it to happen coz when it does; I will loose myself in the process. I don’t want that to ever happen again, coz I will truly hate myself and lose my self respect.
I have many inner battles going on right now. I don’t know how to put them into words coz I’ll further humiliate myself if I do. I just know that my assumptions are always wrong and I don’t really understand people’s way or actions. I hunger for love that’s why I found them always or mistaken it in the persona of someone near me, someone close to me, someone I let my heart out to.
I once have the policy to myself that I don’t want to be close to someone coz it’s either or both: I will truly be dependent to him or I will love him! I guess I should keep that policy.
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