...fwend....

in this world i barely know,
i struggle to just belong,
struggle to act like they do,
speak like they do...

trying to fit in coz I'm trying / hoping...
that i can feel that simple carefree feeling



then i came to realize...
i can't...

coz I'm not longing for a new friend to come,
just you, again...

...old ma sentiments...

Everytime I hear her voice, I dunno if she really intends to do it but every word that came out in her mouth will only make me: irritated, mad or will just make me feel like a crap. You know the feeling that you’re about to fell to the ground and she just push you right there to it! Right to that ground, crushes your ego and remaining little hopes.

So why blame me if I don’t wanna speak to her? She never really had the motherly eminence that a child would like to have. Even if you don’t wanna talk about a certain issue she’ll just continue to push it, push it to humiliate yourself and make you feel even worse. Instead of clearing confusions and frustrations she’ll just throw it twice right back to you and will make you realize that you are the lousiest idiot in the planet. She’ll only add more negativity to you no matter how visibly hurt you are…

My sentiments, my apology…this is just the way I feel. I’m sorry but a wound that started long ago can’t be cured that abruptly and sometimes I wonder if will it ever really heal?

I dunno. All I know is that sometimes? I wish I could’ve had a different mom. A very strong statement right? But I’m not seeking approval here or something, I’m just here to express how I feel and these feelings? Just don’t come because of the spur of the moment thing, it has a long time basis. Life is not perfect, so much like this.

...10/25/07...

The hardest person to please is ourselves.
The highest expectation to reach is the one we set for ourselves.
The most hurtful defeat is having to lose yourself to your ego.

Problem starts based on how we perceive them in our minds that is why we should modify it first. We make our own monsters in our head, monsters that haunt us even if we're wide awake. We created them, we entertained the thought that is why we are suffering.

Don't baffle yourself with problems that have solutions....you can save your sanity by not thinking too much...ayt?? :)

...PPS...

How do you know when to stop? When you reached your limit and you’re giving all you got and still you ended up dishearten? When you push yourself so much but the end of the tunnel is just getting narrower at your every try?

All my hopes have been swept away by the gush of self doubts…I lose my optimism and honestly? I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I dunno how many times I cursed under my breath and said: I wanna quit! But my ego won’t let me say that out loud for I’m not a quitter.

But if thy frustrations will be kept silently inside me, it’ll be all pilled up and I may just explode one day without knowing it so I thought, I’d take the chance, I will confess my weakness. I have to for I don’t wanna pretend to be somebody that I am not.

I know she always says: It’s ok but at the back of my mind I know that it’s not ok. I’m afraid my mistakes will reflect on her and really, that’s the last thing I want to do for she has been nothing but good to me. Funny coz I way think more that I’m messing up than her, everytime I think I’m in trouble and I talk to her she always say that I’m doing a great job and that if I’m really in deep trouble she will be the one to approach me.

I made a promise to her that if there’s something really wrong I’ll tell her and all the time she asks if I’m ok I can’t help to say that I’m just lying but I knew that she knows that something is not right, I can sense it. It’s just that I just don’t want to let her know about my weakness and that she may have the idea that I’m not fit to be in the job.

The first time I was pressured was the first week, coz having to be new with all the post office things, I kinda felt stressed coz I have to learn and absorb these things before they get the idea to fire me. The second time was the second weeks for I knew that by this time I should be able to do things perfectly and as much as possible minimize the occurrence of errors. And lastly, was this week, I can’t help to blame myself automatically if there are some errors coz for the fact that I’m the new one, I should be the one to blame coz new ones suck up, right? It’s just that having to think this, and having to encounter more errors during my shifts, I’m just starting to doubt myself and lose my self confidence.

Fuck. It really sucks. And I’m damned coz I’m starting to have insomnia again, I'm losing my appetite (which hardly happens by the way) and my nicotine urge is starting to be more frequent than before which means that I’m having my PPS (pre-problematic symptoms) …these things, are my signs that I am way having more stress than I can handle.

...boys...

boys all have flowery tounges. it's either you play with them or they'll play you.
words are easy said and done so, don't flatter yourself so much and believe it's all true.

i have this rule in establishing a relationship with anyone: ALWAYS BE IN THE MIDDLE. never be too atttached and never be too cold. coz by doing that, you can save yourself from pain that you know you cant recover with and also, since your just in the middle, having to let go is easy coz you only have to step back twice or thrice and it's never gonna be hard.

it's a precaution i always take coz by doing this, im not really limiting myself coz im exploring both ways too...im not closing any doors, im looking of the possiblities and just waiting if stepping outside that door is worth it, you know what i mean??

...how are you?...

seems like an easy question ayt? a simple question with a simple answer.

"i'm great and you?"

but no matter how hard i emphasize that i am ok it seems that she has a bionic eye or something coz she's seeing what i truly feel.

everytime she pops up that question i hope i can just say: i feel pressured, can i quit now? LOL. but no, i can't coz i had already develop a sense of respect for her and i cant take to repay her super duper kindness to me with such crap.

"like a fading candle in the night, my soul is slowly wearing out, burning out of luck and enthusiasm...charred by failures that seems to be doubling up everyday...alas! i wanna give up and yet if i do, ill just waste ur trust... T-T"

our mouths can lie but not thy heart that feels and never thy eyes that is a transparent link to our souls...it's raining inside me and yet if i admit it, it is as good as saying i am weak..but thy self...is finding it hard to mask and muffle all the frustrations and worries...

her kindness entered my heart with such an impact that i can't explain. she treats me like as if i am her daughter....it's overwhelming. it's just so sad that i am raised to be a cold and quiet person, i cant treat her with such enthusiasm that she deserves. too bad im not her daughter coz you know what? it'll be cool to have a mother like that. i love her to death :)

...irritated...

in a dark and chilly corner she waited and plead that someone will come and hug her tight but no one really ever came...she fight back the tears that are already starting to fall, sniff and then breathe heavily and said: i gotta be strong for myself, gotta be the source of strength and not somebody else...coz if i still put my faith that they can be my cure i will forever be dependent to them...and if by chance they dont care no more i will be a helpless soul again waiting for others to feed me with strength.

i am withdrawing myself from waiting for them coz each time i wait and finally got someone with the yellow sign, i only get even more irritated...coz it's either they are more self absorbed or they simply don't wanna care...

so this i say: just smoke a stick of cigar...it is a good replacement for friends.

...why ask?...

The night pushed in as the tears kept flowing instantaneously from my cheeks, submerging all my frustrations, struggles and insecurities for the past 2 months.

Ah! Sweet release of tension! Clearing my soul from all emotional baggage.

Thousand of faces yet unknown
Couple of smiles yet I dunno what is real
Many roads yet I dunno which to choose

Pounding myself to give the best
Trying to rub off my insecurities
Imitating a strong person

I have a blurred goal
Proving something to erase all the prejudice
Struggling to earn that rightful respect

But here I am alone, asking:
What the hell for??

Each and everyone of these faces I see
I don’t even care about

So why ask to care for me?

...bittersweet....

laughters ringing in my ears, faces flashing in my head and memories flooding me with stark dejectedness. Reading stories from friends who are miles apart is a bittersweet moment.

having the privilege to be still part of their present life is a such a gift and quite rare for everybody can be your friend today but few can offer you to be still part of their life in the future...still, not having to be there at the most important event in their life or even just the ordinary days is a sad thing for you're missing the physical bondness that that certain event can only give :(

...Hole Inside ME...

There’s something wrong with me. I feel like somebody bore a hole inside me and snatched it away from me, like a donut. This hole, this emptiness, this missing piece…is YOU.

Swimming into the depths of memories and diving in to search for the one that I truly cared for…the one that just fits in me, captivated my soul by just having the distinct persona that you posses, the only ONE, my happiness.

It’s hard to move when you’re not around, for everywhere I go there’s no escape of ever keeping you off of my mind…the sudden bliss of merely just being with you, the acceptance, the warmth, the connection that attached me to you and the security and contentment that i feel everytime I'm wrap around those arms of yours.

My eyes are already dripping of melancholy by just saying it…my heart melts just by the thought of it…my every soul weakens everytime I feel it.There’s nothing lot to say…just this three words… I miss you.

That simple void in meaning words is all that I can say to you…

I miss you…so bad.

I wanna hear myself laugh again, like the times I laughed when we were just acting dumb and being crazy. Wanna be able to feel that once more, I wanna be myself again…break this wrap that covered me, rupture this before I die of asphyxiation…help me breathe in normally again…loneliness is killing me everyday...darn, I need you.

...sense of pride...

Breathing in the air of a land I never thought I will set foot on...challenging myself to fit in and fighting the urge of nostalgia to not kick in..chasing after my lost dreams and emancipating my soul from grudges & negativity..im trying..trying hard.

I am overwhelmed by all this sudden events but I am not in shock. I am happy that I am here but not totally happy. I'm scared at the momment for everything is so new and so over the top that sometimes I find it hard to follow and comprehend. Every now and then a sudden gloom will penetrate me for no reason but I don't wanna hear a crap about regretting, I'm coping, okay? And Im trying so bad to adjust to this sudden change or else I will be left behind.

It's just that, I suddelnly realized the value of harwork and that being dependent to yourself only can be a little frustrating and lonely at the same time. Growing up, I'm always used to depending my faith in other's hands and now here I am alone and taking care of myself. It's a big change but I'm happy for myself in a way that I'm earning money from my own hard work and eventhough my mother and sister will say it's not that much for a pay and my friends will taunt me for such a low class type of work, which greatly hurt my competitiveness and ego by the way, But you know what? Somewhere deep inside me is a sense of pride for myself coz I greatly earn all that and accomplish it with my own self doing...that for a long time in my 19 years of existence, I found a new reason to be proud of myself and respect her :)

...totally moved on...

How will you know you trully moved on from someone?

It is when you look at them and listen to them talk...only to realize that the "magical" feeling that drove you crazily and passionately "in love" with him is gone. That the person you are now staring at is just a known face with a known name.

...love stoned...

I no longer feel the magic of love
I am stoned.
I don't wanna be vulnerable again.
coz everytime I fall,
no one ever really catch me.

I fall so swiftly
So I have to pay the consequence of it:
Falling helplessly and crashing with a hurtful pain.

Building dreams and fairytale fantasies of love
had swept away my sanity..
Having illusions of of a perfect love
is such a petty excuse for my insecurities
and a desperate attempt to save myself from loneliness.

Love can kill as they say...
I have been killed by it several times
and now I'm wondering how come I'm still here?

No more secrets...
No more lies to cover up embarassment...
No more pretending!

I am weak
So don't you dare break me,
I'm fragile.

...how i saw myself before...

im a simple nothing whatever-goes type person na at first glance kala mo harmless pro a real pain in the ass pala...my expectations & pathetic dreams have made me from who i am ryt now..kaladkarin pagdating s mga lakad at minsan my sariling mundo...d dw marunong magalit...mlaks mangarap kya laging bigo, hehe...simple things in life make me smile and likewise to make me dpresssed...i love my life, though complicated, i will continue loving it! ^-^
i love my friends 4 in them-i found my sunctuary, hapiness and loud funking music, hehe..

"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need until I bleed so my heart swims above my head"


emotional freak, hyper at cry baby nga daw sabi ng iba..pro once n nkl2 m nko, i guess mssny k n s mga weird habits ko...mhlg ako kmnta pro music doesnt like me dat much ...im a type of person na will do anything just help others, watcha see is what 'ya dont get. i fancy ppol hu has strong personality espcially dos who olweiz seems to hav no problems, time spent with them makes life much interesting : makulit poh ko at minsan parang bangag..im a type of person n will feell self worth if i hav smthing to do..i tend to be a loner and whatever i believe in it verges to be fanatical...sometimes, i waste a lot of my time searchng of "something" that i don't even know what...im a lost soul, waiting to find the real me, i wanna discover & xperience great joy & fulfillmet in lyf (OA ba?) i like doing things in my own way, i like drnking cofee & staring at the stars...i enjoy watchng movies & doing thngs i've never done b4...my friends call me "peng" its a long story but it is short for penguin, nature lover dw, i enjoy taking pictures & writing crazy stuffs..mdyo mahiyain pro s umpisa lang namn, hehe...shit always happens but this gurl? she may fall a hundred tyms but one thing's for sure..she'll remain standing.

"BE LIKE THE DUCK! COOL AND UNRUFFLED ON THE SURFACE BUT PADDLING HARD UNDERNEATH

...kiss...

In a game I dare you to play,
you were brave enough to stay,
I then wondered there's no turning back,
and there's no time to think what is lack

so the momentum flows as we go close...
every part of my body is starting to get cold..
and in a battle of fire and ice,
I gently closed my eyes...
felt those lips into mine...

but i was frozen....
and you stare at me and I don't know what
to think anymore...

your eyes have already drowned me off from reality...
a sudden bliss for no reason...
a memory that will forever be seen...

cornered by fate at the right time...
captured my heart in an angle i can't understand...

thanks for making me feel special...
forever special in my smiling heart,
let's see what's in store for us...

could you wait for me?
or are we just in the right place at the right time?

when enthusiams subside...
and time overlaps all thee..
will you still abide?

...pensive...

As I watched the vagueness of the fields passing swiftly as our car moved, I also felt a sudden gush of trance in me. I pensive to my life, probing the things I’ve done and how I suddenly found answers to my once unanswered questions…

Funny how all the locks open when it’s already too late. Realizations, regrets, angst and embarrassments struck us only after the incidents happen. It’s always out of timing and out of tune.

I asked myself: what have I learned? And in instant situations came swooping in my head…some are happy, some are sad and others are just too regretful to even think about. Some of those you even wanna go back and experience it again or rather fix.

There are things we can’t change but there are still those that we can. Everyday that the sun comes up in the morning, we have this mentality that it will be just the same as yesterday but you know what? It's not the same because each day that we live we grow, we become stronger, we learn and we become wiser than our yester'days self! Coz like the sun, life goes on…it will never stop, so keep on shining as bright as it can! It's a reminder that there is another day to make things right, better and fulfilling.

This is my life now...I gotta hold on to it, accept and swallow the situation before it swallows me...Old habits should be dump...release all emotional baggage...Ought to move to get some results...No one can break me if I trust myself!

...my naiveness on love...

A bestfriend of mine, Fi, once said to me that maybe what I felt before is not love, maybe I am just in love with the idea that I am in love. Those words from her streaked me hard on the inside that it almost felt like it was an arrow. Damn, this is what I love about her, she sees me in a different way that I never could think off but you know what? She’s always right. It sucks but I am always thankful for her because she keeps me from becoming a sullen, psychotic and hopeless romantic. Being an emo and an artist (well, I see my self as that, don’t argue…lol) it seems that you absorb every single feeling you have and there’s a big chunk of tendency to over do it. The result? It may lead to exaggeration. You get more attached to the person deeper than it should be. You tend to define this sudden depth into the idea that you are in love. And once you’re addicted to the idea of it, it gets to an obsessive habit that’s not easy to let go!

True and fair enough, it was me. I find it hard to believe at first but I mulled it over and yeah, it was me. Now, my definitions of love is now blurred coz now, I think that I never really have loved anyone because all along, I was only playing a role that I created and wanted for myself. Fi also said to me, she don’t really even consider loving someone for yourself only to love coz love should work on both ways and not only a one way thing. Ouch. So this blog that contained my fraud is only an eminent proof that I am such an eccentric, deceitful and assumption making loser. I fear myself for now I develop the thought that I am not the type of person one should be close with coz I have this tendency to “fall madly in love”, or at least that is what I think of. I am afraid of it to happen coz when it does; I will loose myself in the process. I don’t want that to ever happen again, coz I will truly hate myself and lose my self respect.

I have many inner battles going on right now. I don’t know how to put them into words coz I’ll further humiliate myself if I do. I just know that my assumptions are always wrong and I don’t really understand people’s way or actions. I hunger for love that’s why I found them always or mistaken it in the persona of someone near me, someone close to me, someone I let my heart out to.

I once have the policy to myself that I don’t want to be close to someone coz it’s either or both: I will truly be dependent to him or I will love him! I guess I should keep that policy.

..07/24/07...

i don't know why those tears flowed...
why my insides were cold...
nor why did i walk away sobbing...

maybe her sweet voice tickled my sensitiveness...
her words plucked the tears that I have been hiding...

i wanted badly not to cry!
i fought the tears but they were stronger than me...

i let out...
tears flow, i wipe it dry, it still flows, i apologize...
i thank her then set off...

my own tears drowned me full of regrets and sorrow...
my pride...my glory moment, like the tears that flowed from my eyes:
it just rolled away and vanished....

it all come to an end but her kind words...
were like a helping hand that uplifted my spirits...
made me smile and i felt hope coming again...

thank you mam tala :)
for feeding me hope and inspiration as always!
you're really a star that anyone would like to just stare at
and be happy for the light you emit.
i love you!

...greatest achievement....

The greatest achievement one can have in his life is the ability to effectively impart himself to others and touch other’s life! We may not live forever but the memory that you have given will be permanently etched in them and a part of your soul will remain undoubtedly immortal in their very heart!

...forever...

I realized that no matter how far a person is, no matter how bad you don’t wanna think about them and distract yourself with other activities, you cannot really stop yourself from ever feeling compassionate for them because when you care and love a person, it rests and lives eternally in your heart and your soul will ceaselessly depend and long for their existence.

Every deafening laugh of pure joy and innocence, the jokes that mock your patience and the memories that were so deeply carved in your head makes you smile now right? But when silence subsides and loneliness break into the air, our minds, making an assumption that it can cheer us up automatically switch to those sweet and happy recollections but the truth is we evidently end up searing with the pain of longing and regretting the times we’re not beside them…the crucial point of being all sunken and drunken by the good all memories. You wanted badly to close this switch as much as possible but the portal to the past and the present are widely been opened now and you can’t even undo it. Alas! The fatal circumstances of missing someone continues…

Do you know that everytime someone say: I miss you, it doesn’t really just mean they miss you for this day only but rather they miss your presence yesterday, the days before it, weeks behind it and months prior to that also?! It means that everyday your lost presence is one of the reasons why they get up and find the courage to smile each day for they know that they’re a day closer of meeting you again someday!

“I don’t know why you are important to me,
Why I even miss you for the strangest reasons
Or
How you manage to make me smile by just slipping a thought of you...
All I know is that it’s a sign!
A notice that you will forever reside here, in my heart and forever be a part of who I am before, now and in the future.”

The word “forever” is so vague that sometimes it’s almost unrealistic. For me? It never really is believable but I trust in the power of just holding on and treasuring every single moment! Friends forever? Friends stuck in my heart until its last viable beat ends!

..Saved...

Before we wake up each day just because we need to go to school or work, do the same chores we do everyday, eat so our tummy wont growl and then go home, sleep and then do the same things over and over again. Then, at some point we’ll realize, we’re doing things ordinarily and redundant that we lose sense of what we really do…we feel so bored, lethargic, uninterested and so unspecial. We started questioning ourselves if this is what we really want to live for the rest of our lives and ponder if we just take the other way around to turn our life upside down. We feel shackled and suffocated of all the monotonous things we do it is as if we just do this things because we are oblige to or we have a responsibility to do it and not because we like it or this is really our passion. As this continues, we become more and more frustrated each day; massive feelings and anxieties will pile up and accumulate acute depression of some sort. We loose our purpose and the worst scenario is that we will loose our soul in the process and become just like a zombie, a creature that moves but has no desires or whatsoever in life! All it does is to move …do the things it was accustomed to…no complain, no joy, no emotions.

Have you ever felt that way? I have. And to tell you I was a walking zombie before! I was negotiated to go to a school and enter a course I don’t like before, it was really a living disaster for me…coz I am away with my highschool friends, I had to stay to the dorm, I have no other places I can go and party at and I felt that in that stinking school I can never really find a decent friend I can ever go along with. Everyday I was just waking up, eating, doing homeworks and school stuffs…so maybe you’ll ask if it’s really not my interest to study there and taking up that course, why still insist of going and actually learning it? I study because my ego can’t take it if I fail! I study so that my ego won’t be crushed…eventhough I don’t get the chance to enter the course that I preferred to take, I still don’t like to feel defeated. So in the process of getting accustomed to the school and my course the price i had to pay was my soul, I gradually lose my soul and passion…day by day I survived by just doing things that were told to me. Until one day, a miracle came to me, my soulless body is starting to have one again…my heart, it suddenly beats not that fast and strong but I can hear its puny beat and it made me smile and wonder why all these suddenly occur?

And I found the answer… I’m never really aware of it before but then I saw a light when I looked at my newly found friend there, I gasp for air as realized that she was feeding me that light long before I first knew her. The light that I lack of, the one that I lose before: the light of life and joy. I broke down and then cried I was surprised coz I never really have done that for a long time, then as those tears drop from my eyes, I stood up, hugged her and said: “My frozen heart, my soul that died and my lost passion, do you know that you have awakened and revived all that? You saved me from atrophy…I have my reasons now…do you know how grateful I am to you now?” but my friend didn’t really answered me back, instead she just held my hand and smiled at me and that warmth in her hands made me feel glad coz I knew I have a friend that I can really turn to.

She made me like what I have started before and what I got my self into…funny how powerful a friend can do right? By just the mere touch of the hand, hug, smile and tap in the shoulder one can feel love, acceptance and secure. The innate capability of a friend to make you laugh and understand you can ease a worry and depression. And how a friend’s eagerness and passion can be readily absorbed and then it will make you realize that there are really things in life that you can eventually learn to like and love if only you give it a chance and time. I owe a lot to that friend for if I hadn’t met her I’m still a walking zombie now and I am not capable of writing this composition. That’s why I promised myself I will do the best that I can to be help her at all times and be a friend that she can turn to! :)

Have you found yours? If you felt the way that I did before, don’t worry, everyone likes to be saved and be saved…yours will come and your tormented life and senseless being will be saved too…love can heal the deepest cuts and can cut all emotional baggage of a person and mind you, it really does! It only depends on how you see love…if you see love as a partner or couple thing (e.g. boyfriend, girlfriend) only, then I pity you, for love is almost everywhere! You just don’t get around and appreciate small things in your life: the love of your parents, relatives, sister/brother, friends or even your pet!

Love is really becoming senseless and so void in meaning because people are using its implication and focusing it for themselves and subjective reasons only.

I am just thankful coz I am being loved and saved every single day because I am surrounded by people who truly cares for me. So if ever you read this, thank your loved ones now, ok? Coz at some point in your life they have saved and will save you from something! You're just not aware of it yet…

..How Daring Can You Get as a Partner?!...

I had this weird and naughty talk with my friends and it’s funny coz an idea came up to me…I summed up three degrees of flirting or the things that couples do, take a peek and look where you belong!

1^st Degree Type

-are the one that fancies kissing, munching and playing around with their partners. They just probably enjoy the idea of having an intimate someone by their side and enjoying the privileges that comes along with it! The kiss, the holding hands and simple cuddles but really no malice, just pure fun! Mostly these are fresh new couples who are starting to get to know each other and establishing a relationship.

2^nd Degree Type

-are the ones that taken the intimate relationship into another level…they’ve have engage themselves from the pleasure of touching but not really having sex, just with the power of erotic touch that can satisfy their burning urge to do the actual thing! Mostly these are teenagers who are so in to each other, want to have sex but use their head all the time for they know the outcome of this or in the other hand the parties are both not yet ready for the big “S” thing…half-naked, naked and doing naughty stuffs with your partner especially in the intimate part, 2^nd degree covers it!

3^rd Degree Type

-are the ones that taken it all out as far as 3^rd base and score for a home run! These are the people who do the actual thing…the ones that are brave, adventurous and find tremendous amount of delight doing it! It is the actual union of two bodies and just being one, union of two people who are deeply connected to each other in a way that only they can explain and understand! Whether it’s just for fun, experiment, one night stand, accident, intuition or for them they do it because it’s the higher expression of love, the 3^rd degree covers it all!

So, from which degree do you belong now? Me? I don’t get burnt up to do those stuffs yet so I guess I have no degree to say! Laughs…

...Fast Forward...

Time is moving so freaking slow! So slow that every emotional wound we had and have is lingering so bad that it hurts! The feelings that are so trapped and harmless before are now excruciatingly painful because of the mundane silence that’s penetrating us from within! A feeling that is so oddly cold that no matter how we try to conceal and fight it, we will only end up defeated! Cold drops of water from the eyes are even inevitable for the feeling is so intense that when you don’t let them out you might just explode! Aargh! I hate this dumb situation! Waiting for days to pass fast but time is moving so mockingly sluggish! I hate it because every hurt that I thought I’ve already dealt with and over with are now surprisingly haunting me!

Ever wished you have a remote control of your life just like the movie “Click”?! Well, I have! And now maybe is the most perfect timing! My life is in constant slow motion and it is quite stationary for I’m waiting for my flight to Canada and having to be here just at the house and doing nothing is the most boring place to be! And to add up, I have no money to go anywhere too! Sigh!

Before I have always wanted to disappear…like a bubble, like the wind…and now? I feel like each day I’m starting to loose grab of myself! I am alive yet my soul is mysteriously decomposing and perishing! Feels like I’m loosing my purpose in life that I had before! My existence here is rotten and I am stinking so bad that I feel like a trash nobody would want to be with. The things that I used to do and enjoyed to do before are now becoming so uninteresting! I feel so empty, so frustrated. My priorities, my being…I’m questioning it all. Darn. I’m a disintegrating, nostalgic, insomniac and emotionally unstable man with a stagnant mind and drained soul, how cool can I get?!

I wish that I could just sleep tonight and just wake up when it is August one…I looked at the calendar and already marked the date for I know that when that day comes, my whole world will move and start spinning normally again, I will have my life back, hopefully!

...Things I Learned From My Friends...

i believe that each person we meet has something to teach us or something to impart to us while invading our personal space whether it'll be positive or negative this effects are the ones that changed and molded us from what we are now...

• I learned that no matter how you want someone to be your friend, you can’t force it.

• That trust is not easy as handling a candy to a friend…

• That secrets can create a long time gap no matter how you say it don’t matter, it matters a lot!

• That friendship is not about giving and hoping to get back what you have given, it’s about fitting to someone’s shortcomings, unconditionally embrace his/her personality and giving unlimited care and understanding without any expectations…

• That it's better to speak your mind and let yourself be understood rather than cold shouldering all things for the rest of your life!

• That every friend in your life has different impact in your life and time of exposure to them is not even a basis on determining who’s special and who’s not.

• That finding a friend who can ride all your simple nothing jives, likes and can understand all your insanity is a blessing.

• That planning to get even to someone will inflict twice/thrice the pain you do to them.

• That no matter how hard you try to be a better person, you can’t please all people nor have everybody as a friend.

• That there are times that you can’t really understand something by yourself only.

• That first impression never lasts!

• That people are indeed quite unique! We may feel insecure every once in a while but we just need to see ourselves in a positive way and not our flaws all the time! We need to understand and love ourselves for us to have self-confidence and then, eventually at the end, self respect!

• People have different individualities for each and everyone of us has different upbringing and experiences that molded our personality and way of dealing in life…

• That doing nothing is the most excruciating pain to inflict to your enemy…

• The collision of two tempers can be flammable…

• That there are really clean hearted people.

• That boyfriends/girlfriends are the mortal enemy of friends sometimes.

• That bestfriends? Aren’t all made by just a day or two! It’s a long term process, not a plan but exploring, understanding and caring that both parties are never really are aware of doing coz it comes naturally for they both enjoy the company and love to help those they dearly love without any hesitation!

• Sometimes we fight hard to change other’s negative traits but no matter how hard we want that, we have no right to change someone just because we desire to because change? Should be one’s will and own decision to make! It’s neither forced nor just because all are suddenly against you. It’s a sudden engulfment of pride, self-realization, courage and bravery to take and accept change to happen in your life because you want to be a better person! Not for others but for yourself!

• Sometimes you really don’t have to feel hurt that someone cant appreciate your effort or care because sometimes the point is just to care or to do without expecting something in return coz its up to the person what will be the effect of that action and the fact that you’ve shown your true personality as a friend and as a person is what really matters.

• Sometimes distance is all we need in order to realize how important someone is, how you truly care for someone and what you are as a friend. You will also know who among your friends will fight hard against time and break apart distance just to save the relationship you two have! And above all, you’ll know how important you are to someone!

• That people have his/her secret keeper material friend standards/characteristics, if you don't have them or fit in it, you don't have the privilege to know his/her deeper self or secrets.
  

• That no matter how bad you want to help if trust is the issue, its complicated.

• That no matter how big you care and treasure a person you don’t really have to make expectations that they will reciprocate the way that you anticipate them to do towards you.

• That people have different ways of showing and concealing their emotions.

• That there are people that can be hard as a rock and don’t feel any emotions.

• That sometimes no matter how it hurts there are people that can go a day, weeks, months or even a year without missing you.

• It hurts when someone doesn't understand what you feel and what are you going through, when you stand for what you believe is right but for them it's wrong and so as when every freaking efforts you've done are not recognized. You know why it sucks? Because the people you care about and the one's you badly want to care for you are the one's who always take you for granted!

And lastly…

• Silence? Can break someone's heart gradually coz it’ll make you think that someone is not thinking of you at all but my silence? Is the one that’s breaking my heart coz every time I’m secretly longing and missing someone? It bleeds out & cry because of sadness.

...for rincel...

Once in a while you’ll meet someone,
Someone whose heart is incredibly pure,
A personality that’ll rock your world,
A gentle soul that will hug yours unconditionally,
A sweet person who’s incredibly beautiful inside and out.

A person whose distinct dedication surpasses all of her colleagues,
A person who has an attitude that never say die,
But has a face that just wears a smile everyday,
And gratifies the Lord for all her blessings!

Once in a while I met that person!
She showed me love and kindness…
I am forever grateful in that once in a while experience
For she changed my life in that once in a while…
And that once in a while will forever be here, near my heart!

Who’s to blame if she’s not forgotten, loved and treasured?
For this unique individual posses all thee…
Who’s to blame if everyone envies me for being her friend?
Want to know her name?
That’s Rincel!

A name that I’ll never forget and try to forget...
For just the mere saying of her name just brings a smile to me…
Coz when you mention her, it’s not just the name you’re saying,
It’s the happiness of being blessed and being loved…
The feeling that you’ve got a friend that will always be there for you!

...no regrets...

The picture pretty much tells all that I have to say or what I feel. It took me a lot of time to put into words what is happening to me now coz I was so busy trying to make a decision that can make or break me.

To go or to stay, this has been the debate inside my head for a couple of weeks and mind you, it is not easy to decide something that will concern your future! How I wish making decision is as easy as what my friends usually do when we can’t decide for ourselves: tossing a coin. Sigh, but then again I said to myself that I am quite fortunate to have a plan B in life unlike for others there is no choice but plan A. Making decision gets harder if you have many choices to choose from and it gets even harder if the choices you are choosing from are both favorable on your part!

Let me take you inside my head that is tangled with cobwebs of thoughts….

I have a choice to stay and finish my degree in Nursing here in the Philippines or to make a big move to go to Canada, soar the sky of opportunities and have a 50/50 chance of actually accrediting all the subjects I studied here for the past 2 years. If I were you, will you have a hard time making a decision?! Well, if you said no, I envy you…

For the past 18 yrs of my existence here in the world I have been fighting hard everyday to build myself, status, friends, reputation, pride and dignity here in the Philippines. I grew roots here, I have my own sentiments…I am attached here. My principles, my beliefs and my opinions started here…it is where I first see the world and thought it was beautiful, where I build up my brains to be a competitive and functional one, where I widened my skills and capabilities, in short this is my LIFE. All this things? Big or small is what I am made of.

Going to Canada will be like a newly born baby…no name, no identity, no friends and no status. Starting fresh and fighting hard again to be known and be respected. It’s quite hard I thought especially if all your life you surround yourself all the time with many friends and you formed the habit that in everything you do, they must be always included. Even worse if the only thing that keeps you going, your cure for monotony and your only reason why you still keep on fighting in life is them…and if they are gone is like losing your clothes in a snowy winter night, no warmth, just emptiness and coldness that can be felt inside and out of your body.

A shivering thought I presume but the strangest thing that startled me is that even if I know that and even if my friends kept saying the awful and sad truth if we parted there is still a voice at the back of my head whenever all of the subjective bombarding of opinions are gone telling me that the right thing to do is to go.

How strange I thought…why does this voice inside my head kept on choosing the uncertain and blank future?! But then I had this vivid flashbacks on my past…when I was a child, I am searching of things that I don’t even know what, funny but even though I don’t know what I am looking for I still look for it no matter what…a realization came up to me…what if the thing that I am searching for cannot be found in a stack of old things or in a cabinet? What if this “thing” can be found in Canada? It’s not like that I am unhappy or sad here or something---I am happy but all these years I am a walking incomplete person. I feel that there is a piece of my self that I still don’t know and is missing and I am freaking thrilled and curious to let time reveal it to me…maybe you will think…why can you let yourself find that here?

Have you ever felt a hunch that is so freaky? It is like watching in a game show like “Deal or No Deal” and you have the hunch that the briefcase that the contestant chose has the 3 million jackpot prize but there are many risks on choosing that briefcase and the offer is too good to be true than the other remaining possible amount that you might get that is why you just advise the player to just take the deal but when it was revealed turns out? Your hunch is correct! That is what I believe I am having now.

I have now accepted my decision to go to Canada wholeheartedly and embraced change to occur in my life no matter how uncertain it seems, my friends? will be forever be a big part of my life but I will leave them the choice if they want to still continue being one or just throw all our memories in trash.

I am now gambling my fate for this hunch I have coz I have faith that it is right…I will do my best to thrive harder my effort to adapt, establish what I have created here, show the true me and to achieve extreme joy and fulfillment in life!

No REGRETS!

...reasons...

Before, we dream of a perfect someone, the one that can love us so deep and give us care and attention but now that they already came, we ask ourselves why did God granted our wishes and turned our dreams to actual reality and yet we are still not happy? But then we suddenly realized, we forgot to say and wished the most essential requirement: -that we also have to love them. Irony how love works and damn me for breaking many hearts who loves me.

I’m sorry.

Maybe I don’t know how to love or care? Maybe I’m afraid to lose myself in the process and feel love so before it starts I end it already? Maybe, we’re so fed up to the thought of a fairytale love story that if our story is not in patterned with it, we consider it as a false signal of love?

But I consider love to be realistic…I want to have a connection with someone before we actually establish a real relationship because if we don’t, it’ll be like making a castle out of sand. If there is none, there will be no foundation that keeps the couple together. Though it reflects that I am a coward, I am not. It’s just that the thing about me is that I love so deeply. Loving for me is an ultimate emotion one can offer and feel, it is an unconditional feeling that binds two people closer and when I fall in love? Laugh all you can but when I do love, my world only revolves to that person! So, will you blame me if I take a good care of my heart?! It’s just that I’ve been hurt twice and it hurts like hell! It took me a long time before I moved on and that’s the reason why I am full of reasons when I am dealing with the word “LOVE”. I promised to my heart that I will take good care of her that I won’t let her shatter apart in nothingness and bleed to dry again. That’s the reason why I am meticulous on answering those who court me. I sewn my heart all by myself and I won’t let another guy broke it again. Maybe you’ll say if I take the word love so seriously, why do I play around and flirt with them? –coz when I don’t, you won’t meet people otherwise, I still hope that I can find someone that will fit in to my soul, not just by physical characteristics or so but the one that I can complement his soul and vice versa.

I found him actually, you wouldn’t believe if I tell you…our minds runs like one, our emotions are uniting and our likes our pretty much the same but again, irony….he is taken.

So maybe I’ll sit to the ride of fate again and see what’s in store for me in the love department of my life.

...crazy thought....

Amidst the blanket of serenity lies many waves of emotions. I am tough but I am also a fragile soul. I am a person who thirsts for the feeling of being loved but by being so, am I being too desperate to grasp anyone who professes their affection towards me? –even if he’s already committed to someone else? Am I crazy to actually wish their break-up?

Funny how a simple fascination can lead to attraction, affection then goes down to love. Peculiar on how he capture thy heart without any doings and mush effort….sigh.

If grabbing someone’s bf is a crime, I’d take the chance to commit one just to steal him. I will take the risk of falling, being crazy and being loved. I’ll take that offered kiss and return it to him for the deeper each kiss goes, all my anxiety, fear and worries will slowly flow away for in my mind and heart will just be the thought of bliss and love.

I’ll go wherever the momentum will lead coz I know he’ll lead me to fly to a place I can’t reach.

Enough with the dream…let’s move back to reality…

Afterall I’ve been through, all along I thought my heart had been hardened by time…but now? Every part6 of me has been softened by a man who turned his back on loving me because he wants to prevent hurting and damaging me. But you know what? I wished he hadn’t turn his back on me…coz I like it that way even if it is too darn complicated for the two of us coz I think- I love him.

...hyperaglesia....

Why do I have to be so damn sensitive?
Why can’t I be someone who don’t need anybody to feel happiness?
Why should I feel pain for someone who doesn’t even give a damn for me?
It’s like giving a piece of yourself and your heart to someone and yet for that person it is just a nonsense thing?
It’s like feeling you’ve got someone but then again, not applicable to reality.

Why the hell do I have to feel hurt knowing that they don’t care the way I do for them?
It hurts for I do wanna understand them but they won’t let me…

And I hate it!

Why?

Coz I don’t wanna be imparted from them just because of a certain belief…
Coz friends?
Is beyond that!
It can withstand all the diversities!

Maybe I’m overreacting but things like these?
They can make you feel unwanted and unworthy as a friend/person.

That I’m somebody the can just go along without easily…
That I am just an ordinary friend…
An accidental acquaintance type of person that can easily be replaced and let go without any regrets and sadness of ever doing so…

Fuck.

Why am I so sensitive?
I wish I can be hard as a rock so that I won’t be maimed by those people whom I cared the most!