...no regrets...

The picture pretty much tells all that I have to say or what I feel. It took me a lot of time to put into words what is happening to me now coz I was so busy trying to make a decision that can make or break me.

To go or to stay, this has been the debate inside my head for a couple of weeks and mind you, it is not easy to decide something that will concern your future! How I wish making decision is as easy as what my friends usually do when we can’t decide for ourselves: tossing a coin. Sigh, but then again I said to myself that I am quite fortunate to have a plan B in life unlike for others there is no choice but plan A. Making decision gets harder if you have many choices to choose from and it gets even harder if the choices you are choosing from are both favorable on your part!

Let me take you inside my head that is tangled with cobwebs of thoughts….

I have a choice to stay and finish my degree in Nursing here in the Philippines or to make a big move to go to Canada, soar the sky of opportunities and have a 50/50 chance of actually accrediting all the subjects I studied here for the past 2 years. If I were you, will you have a hard time making a decision?! Well, if you said no, I envy you…

For the past 18 yrs of my existence here in the world I have been fighting hard everyday to build myself, status, friends, reputation, pride and dignity here in the Philippines. I grew roots here, I have my own sentiments…I am attached here. My principles, my beliefs and my opinions started here…it is where I first see the world and thought it was beautiful, where I build up my brains to be a competitive and functional one, where I widened my skills and capabilities, in short this is my LIFE. All this things? Big or small is what I am made of.

Going to Canada will be like a newly born baby…no name, no identity, no friends and no status. Starting fresh and fighting hard again to be known and be respected. It’s quite hard I thought especially if all your life you surround yourself all the time with many friends and you formed the habit that in everything you do, they must be always included. Even worse if the only thing that keeps you going, your cure for monotony and your only reason why you still keep on fighting in life is them…and if they are gone is like losing your clothes in a snowy winter night, no warmth, just emptiness and coldness that can be felt inside and out of your body.

A shivering thought I presume but the strangest thing that startled me is that even if I know that and even if my friends kept saying the awful and sad truth if we parted there is still a voice at the back of my head whenever all of the subjective bombarding of opinions are gone telling me that the right thing to do is to go.

How strange I thought…why does this voice inside my head kept on choosing the uncertain and blank future?! But then I had this vivid flashbacks on my past…when I was a child, I am searching of things that I don’t even know what, funny but even though I don’t know what I am looking for I still look for it no matter what…a realization came up to me…what if the thing that I am searching for cannot be found in a stack of old things or in a cabinet? What if this “thing” can be found in Canada? It’s not like that I am unhappy or sad here or something---I am happy but all these years I am a walking incomplete person. I feel that there is a piece of my self that I still don’t know and is missing and I am freaking thrilled and curious to let time reveal it to me…maybe you will think…why can you let yourself find that here?

Have you ever felt a hunch that is so freaky? It is like watching in a game show like “Deal or No Deal” and you have the hunch that the briefcase that the contestant chose has the 3 million jackpot prize but there are many risks on choosing that briefcase and the offer is too good to be true than the other remaining possible amount that you might get that is why you just advise the player to just take the deal but when it was revealed turns out? Your hunch is correct! That is what I believe I am having now.

I have now accepted my decision to go to Canada wholeheartedly and embraced change to occur in my life no matter how uncertain it seems, my friends? will be forever be a big part of my life but I will leave them the choice if they want to still continue being one or just throw all our memories in trash.

I am now gambling my fate for this hunch I have coz I have faith that it is right…I will do my best to thrive harder my effort to adapt, establish what I have created here, show the true me and to achieve extreme joy and fulfillment in life!

No REGRETS!