Friday, December 15, 2006

...socialization...

For me, the factor that I chose that affects my socialization and way of dealing with others greatly is the family. Why? Because I do believe that half of the child’s personality is truly dependent on how his/her parent raised him/her. Family is the first environment that a child learns to adapt, first learn to think and first learn to have simple realizations or comprehensions about simple things in life. The manner from which those simple things had been introduced to them by their parents is how they are able to react to present issues and tasks. The way the family communicates inside the house is how a child would eventually communicate outside or if not it would the other way around because they want to experience the things that they don’t have inside the house. School, peers and mass media are just the latter influences on socialization; they may also affect one’s socialization but not that much for the root of all it is the family.

Like me, who grew up inside a family who doesn’t have an a tight bond and communication I found it hard to mingle to new acquaintances or have a friend right away because I grew up in an environment that don’t speak that much and doesn’t have that much physical interaction or saying affection. What I am now mainly is because of how they raised me and how my family interacts. When I was a child, I am always the one left inside the house or I was just being taken cared by my aunt because my parents are both working and all of my sisters are studying and by that I develop somewhat a little sense and trait of independence, loner and shyness. I wasn’t used to speaking to new people and strangers, I usually just write all my experiences because I don’t have much people with the same age that I was that I can talk to and I was used to doing things by myself. When I started to go to school it was really hard for me at first to mingle with others but you know what? After they have talked to me and told stories about their lives I began to realize that this so called socialization or “Winnie the Pooh” friendship things can really exist that what I don’t have at home, I can have outside. That’s the reason why I treat my friends at the utmost care and support that I can give because for me, they are my “family”. Although I it’s hard to befriend me sometimes because I don’t usually approach people, talk that much and even if their my friends I sometimes don’t usually say all my problems because I need to see that they are trustworthy first before I say it because I don’t just really give my reliance to people right away. Why? Because I was used to it, I grew up with that kind of environment and that’s how I was raised.


...yah well, i can go on and on and yank about it but hey! I'm all grown up...and even if there are missing pieces, i guess i can find them in the present or if not let us see in the mere future...

"you have to bleed for a moment, feel the pain and then sew yourself back together...better & stronger than the last one..."

-it's how i run my life...

Friday, December 08, 2006

...txt...

the sun gives life to the flowers,
water gives life to crops,
air sustains man's life...
but me?
just a bit of YOU would do
...to keep thy heart beating
and be a happy soul.

...my solace....

it's a mystery how you know me well,
it's amazing for even without seeing and talking you know exactly what i feel.
putting the right words is your expertise and turning my pout into smiles.
you're not a carpenter but you have build every piece of hope that has been brocken...
you're not a tailor yet you've sewn me back completely after being cut in a million pieces...
you're not a magician yet you seem to know the tricks of concealing and showing things that are quite impossible...
you're not a fan yet your presence is like a gentle breeze on a hot summer day...
you're not a candy yet i feel like a child who always wants some sweet and just feel contented for it...

having you, makes me feel content.
having you, is like the air that just keeps on making me alive..
having you is like having someone hold your soul forever in a happy mode and keeping it right where it should be...

my home, my serenity and my solace...THANK YOU!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Friday, November 10, 2006

...someday...


someday her lips will curl to give
such a sweet smile...
someday those eyes will give

such a twinkling glow..
no more sign of sadness & tears

her face will illuminate nothing but endless contentedness
and vivid grace...
no more pain, loneliness and sorrow...
just pure bliss.

someday she'll never wish there is someday
coz
all her wishes will come right after her--

things will never be difficult.
all will be good.
all is good.
good.

...i robot...

i am a person with no distinct function...
whose every being was dictated
for a play called her life.

her every choice is nothing but a useless plead..
a silent cry, an eerie feeling that crushes every piece of pride
and dignity left for her...

she feels useless...not human though but more likely as a robot,
programmed by others...
she don't have a heart, feelings, dreams or a hopeful soul...
just a piece of thing doing a thing said to be doing...

but no matter how pathetic, she has to get going...
robots do malfunction sometimes, ayt?!

she'll debug her priorities and program a new software
to motivate her true goals....

she's already there...
no where left to go--
quitting is not an option-
it's the last resort!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

...appreciating mah fate...

Same fear, same frustrations, same apathy. Nervous to the thought of being serious. Pretending to be serious for sake of a gruesome formality. Trying to cope with all the apprehensions. Packaging a self for a purpose----how am I doing??

It’s good to be here wearing white, bearing a noble cause and dignity. It’s good to have a purpose and be widely accepted. Yes, it’s good to have a sacrifice for other’s dream.

I lose myself when I chose this, I lose my pride, I lose my enthusiasm –my passion. This is far from what I am but I got this far - -should I stop now??

I used the word chose –having choose, there are choices but why did I let such decision wreck my individuality? If I chose this that means at some point I also wanted it to happen or can it be that I just don’t have a self-disposition I can call my own??

I do feel regret but there’s no more room for it right now. What I have is the present; if I contemplate more on the past then I’ll only ruin my present and future.


I never saw myself to be nurse but inch by inch I guess I can learn to appreciate.

Never mind.

Never care.

Never think.

Never know.

Never pay attention.

Never make assumptions.

Forget.

Live.

Be free!!

Friday, August 11, 2006

...forgetful...

how can love be such an excrutiating pain and pleasure at the same time?

if a chose to forget
do i have to regret?
if i feel empty and incomplete
do i have to feel defeat?

i have stored you inside a memory box...i stored you in a place i told myself i will never look back into but why do i have to feel darn gloomy now?

maybe you store me to a place to be forgotten too?! :C

...reminice...



a distant memory,
a far ended past..
a wound that keeps on lingering everyday
a love that has been buried long before keeps on haunting me through my fragile soul
alas!
a madness without any cure..

a tear flowed from my eye
i didnt care i just said bye
leave me poor old memories
for i dont wanna have worries
i love him but i cant love someone whose heart is blind...

why do i have to twinge everytime someone mentions you?
why do i have to feel a quick chill and a sudden gloom?!
love is inevitable but loving him is also an inevitable pain :c

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

...sacrifice...

what is worse than to have apathy for what you're doing? considering that what you are doing right now is what you're gonna be doing for the rest of your life?
what is worse than to have worries over the future, knowing that your future holds a thousand rewards?


what is worse than to show regret for your decisions eventhough those decisions were just made to please others? what is worse than to have fear to have serious consciousness over something you actually hate?
what is worse than to be at one place and just wish you are somewhere else?

what is worse than to live the dream of someone else?!

i do not see myself like this, never want and dreamed to be...but ita all too late to walk away now...ill just have to take the bullet..suffer for any sacrifice. afterall, sacrifice is for a good cause, right?!

you think im dumb, incompetent, coward and stupid right? dont get me wrong, i also see myself like that...but i cant just throw away the trust and the pride...cant let them down for my own sake.

...rain madness...


dewdrops falling from the heavens..gently filling earth with such blanket of unknown feeling of sadness...hugging a soul whose life turned out to be a big fat lie...regret always visits her but she tries to stay in tact eventhough her whole world is staggering. she cant cry, cant compain for she knows that all of this was her fault. pint of sorrowness come to her, wondering about what could have been if she took the other way around...

i broke a friendship whose keeping me whole and happy eventhough i was flat broke...now that its gone, i am still here but every inch of me is incomplete.

i chose something i thought was the right thing to do, now that i did, i am dying everyday because of apathy...

i lose my inspiration, determination and passion, tell me, what more is there left for me?!

i am lost but i dont wanna be found...
can you take me somewhere else?
i need to breathe...
i need to see life like it was before-
i need to be reborned!

Friday, June 16, 2006

...breeze...


will you blame me if i worry about you?
will you blame me if i want to see you?
will you blame me if i do care about you?
will you blame me if i miss every inch of you?

i'm wounded,
you came.
u patted my back,
throw jokes,
i laughed,
i appreciated.

you left,
i said "ok"
i continue w/ my life
and laugh
but to smile for everything & anything?
i can't
coz
everything is not 'something' unless there was 'YOU' with it!
i realized
-that life is nothing but an empty room w/o your vivid light and endless breeze you bring to me..

i may be crazee
but d 1st thing i wanna do now is just be with you & see that smile again :(

...PLU...

(peace, love and unanimity)

people like us don't have:
P-retensions.

we know ourselves and being a hypocrite is not our league. we act & speak d way we want and not just as to please anybody.

people like us are:
L-ovable.

hate us or love us but we are innate with rightful charms & beauty of soul that r quite lovable.

people like us needs:
U-understanding.

we don't need 2 explain & be judged, we need 2b understood & be respected...people are unique in any way u look at it, we cant be u or anyone u know for we have our own, true and bonafide identity.

...TOKUA...


Timeless.

having a friend doesn't mean seeing each other everyday. it's in distance & space apart that lets you know how much they mean to you.

Omni.

all things seems plain & dull before butt having a friend like you is like having ALL reasons to be happy.

Keepsake.

i leave my past with no regret & eventhough some of it s bitter, i am still grateful for in those rough times i have you...you're one souvenir of my past that i never wanna loose.

Uncanny.

its weird how fate swirled each & evry1 of us 2b friends coz it is..

Amazing.

how everyone complement each other and how a group of different individual with different personalities jam without such diversity & bring out d best of each other.


i found joy in every craziness and with every laughter shared, makes life float in a constant trance..

thanks :)

...gift...

a thousand stars,
an endless sky with eternal clouds of serenity
the world is such a beauty
but
having you?!
is like having them all wrapped up
in one special gift :)

...prayer...

God help me to sleep,
save my eyes from tears,
vanquish thy fears that rain inside me,
convert thy sadness into smiles...
for i never wanna see
another frown
off of my face.

i sat down in front of the TV and wondered how long the colored pictures change for every frame. for how long it lasted and how many shows have passed? i don't know. all i care about is the moving pictures, the sounds and the peculiar gestures. i dunno what are they talking about, i couldn't care less, i just want to grasp every minute to make my self weary for my eyes to drop for a long slumber.

every corner of my room is an endless trip to memory lane, making me feel nostalgic and catch up with the past, the internet makes me grasp on something on the present and my thoughts are my only tool for predicting the future.

am i thinking too hard? am i being such a freak..i dunno. all i know is that my whole body is in constant hibernating and i cant stop it from being awake..

pero sabi nga ng frend kong c fi "mas ok nah ang walang tulog kesa walang gising"...little by little thoughts will be limited and inch by inch i will be free...i just hope that time will come sooner for ill be packing my bags to go to the mountains again!

...facination with songs...

Have you ever wondered how we choose our songs and why we consider them as our favorite song? Like the song I sung just a minute ago, I realized that I found it mesmerizing coz it tells more about me and how I’m feeling. The instant the lyrics reflect our own emotion, we decide it’s our much loved song.

Your Winter
by Sister Hazel

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view

What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry , but for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only know how much I love you, love you

Chorus
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

The old picture on the shelf
Well it's been there for a while
A frozen image of ourselves
We are acting like a child
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

Chorus

Like that song….I don’t like to be anyone’s winter…I don’t wanna be anyone’s reason for crying. I don’t wanna bring burden to those I love coz if I hurt them I will also hurt and hate myself. I’d rather be the one hurt than them but if somehow I hurt some because of my insensitivity, then I extend my apology.

This time around, no more lies and excuses…it’ll be all honesty and whatever might happen then, come what may.

You First Believed
by Hoku

How many times did I pray
You'd find me
How many wishes on a star
Gazing off into the dark
Dreaming I’d see your face
Safe at home unafraid
Captured in your embrace

So many times
When my heart was broken
Visions of you
Would keep me strong
You were with me all along
Guiding my every step
You are all that I am
And I’ll never forget

It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand
And showed me life
And I’ve never been the same
Since you first believed

There were times
When I’d thought I’d lost you
Fearing forever was a dream
But it wasn't what it seemed
Placing your hand in mine
You could see in the dark
You were guiding my heart


It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand
And you showed me life
And I’ve never been the same
Since you first believed

How many times did I pray
You'd find me
How many wishes on a star

I liked the song the instant that I understood the lyrics. I like it because for me? It symbolizes hope that someone will be there for me…a wish that somehow can be real and true. Someone who can walk me out from this dark, cold and lonely passage that I’m leading my life…someone that can save me from my mistakes.

Letting Go
By Sozzi

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?
It's not okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know
Down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinkin
Cause I know it's just the drinkin

It's funny how we seem to end up here


Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinking
Cause I know it's just the drinking

i know its kinda ordinary...its just the classical way of "letting go song". plain but straight forward to the message it wants to say.

...nicotine, alcohol and caffeine...

A stick of nicotine keeps the psychologist away.
A bottle of alcohol is a way to kill longingness.
A cup of caffeine prevents stupor hallucinations.

Nicotine, alcohol and caffeine – my dose of aspirin for a good heartache. It may seem like a shallow reason for such an outrage. I mean –love? Of all reasons it’s not that deep enough to get the entire twinge! Maybe the death of someone – like the loss of a mother’s child or a child’s mother? But love? Come on! Isn’t it too teenager-like? A silly thought that immature persons cry and yank about. Don’t even try to give more reasons, I do think it’s a worthless cause to cry and frown. But what the hell do you know anyway? You’re not the one who felt presently present in the outside but dying inside. You’re not the one who felt melting every night because of melancholy. I am no stupid person for not realizing all this – I just found it hard to move on.

Moving on, like they say is the hardest part to do and change is the most fearful. Moving on is like you’re two places at one time…your right foot on the past and the left one on the future! You want to step that right foot and walk to the future yet you can’t coz it’s too darn heavy. It’s heavy because there are lot of questions that remain unanswered, too much longingness, too much love and unsaid words. You tend to remove your shoe and the load so you can walk freely to the present but you can’t use the left shoe either that’s why you also removed it. You can walk freely now and seems happy but having no shoes, there are stones on the way that keep hurting your toes that’s why you think about your shoes and wished you’ve never left them behind.

We tend to pretend we move on because we left all that junk behind but in the long run they’ll still haunt you for you yet left an unfinished business. Being free and away from all of the memories of the past doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. It’s only a temporary escape, a fleeting seconds, days or months of oblivion yet when the time comes and you two face each other again, all those effort will be useless because all of that past that you thought you passed is just under your consciousness. And just like that! Snap! When you look in his eyes? It’ll just zap you back to what went before and later than you know; water is flowing from your cheeks.

I was that girl who left that shoes behind, knowing how crazy I am to do that, went back to wear them only to find out they’re still heavy as they were before. I feel so hopeless that I couldn’t do anything, the time I spent running back just to get that shoes was a waste of time, and I couldn’t do anything except to breakdown and cry. I weep, weep and weep until those dewdrops of tears flowed and got my shoes wet. To my amazement, I noticed them getting lighter. Noticing this, I thought that somehow the tears are helping me to move my right shoe so I weep again but it takes too much time so I got a lancet from pocket and slash my arms so the blood will help the tears…each time I bleed and cry I become weak but at the same time the weaker I get, the brittle the shoe does too! I am soaked with my own blood and tears when I finally get my right shoe off that road of the past. I was so happy that I hugged and kissed that shoe! The tears made my eyes fluffy and cut stings like hell but do it matters now? I can move my right foot now! The fluffiness will be gone by tomorrow and the scar? It may take a long time but at least – I am free. I am free and I will walk my life with my pair of shoe! My past, present and future! My point? Crying and bleeding helps in moving on. Crying is not weakness it’s being just humane as everyone does and being brave enough to accept that not all things are meant for us. Bleeding is actually allowing to hurt yourself but not so as to kill or literally slash your arms but as to giving yourself time to realize how stupid you are for staying at that same place for a freaking long time! Because the moment you realized that and the time you know that “I need to move on and this is silly” is a big help and progress for that stage. Nobody else can help you but yourself, you may have all your friends by your side and giving all this and those advices but yet if in yourself you’re saying “I can’t” then it’ll definitely won’t work!

Diverting your attention to much purposeful activities and getting yourself a shock absorber will pretty much help too! I have done some writings and sports although for the nicotine, alcohol and caffeine stuff it may not sound too good but it helped me in a way. Don’t even try those though…I do not advice you to look so depressed. Go out and have some fun! Try other things and hope you can also move on! The process is not that easy though, it’s a big pain in the ass coz the longer it takes to cling unto those hopeless hopes and pain, the more it gets difficult. There maybe times that you want to forget about him yet all things around you seems to be all conspiring with each other just to turn you down and make you think and miss that person but hold on, never loose optimism, moving on is not a piece on paper that you can just throw and burn then poof! It’s gone! It takes time. It takes time to heal and get used to the feeling he’s never gonna be there for you like before. Take a moment and let yourself bleed for now when the time comes all of it will seems like a big joke and all you can do is laugh coz you’ll realize how stupid you are for crying and staying at the same place while others are out there having fun with their lives moving forward!

But how do we know if we really have move on anyway? Big question…hmmm for me it’s as good as saying that all the things that happened before whether painful or not, you can now smile about it and embraced it as a part of you. It is about being grateful for the sorrowness because if not for it, you can’t realize the very existence of peace, joy and your ability to love. It’s not the process of how you did it that matters, it is the outcome that comes after it. If you have been successful enough to convert all the trials into a big lesson in life, accepts the risk to change and you continue to live life as a better or wiser person then, I congratulate you!

...one bad day...

Like the rain’s constant flowing and coldness, like the wind’s rage in expressing its power...I can feel them all inside of me, a thunder of rumbling fear, tear and sadness.

I hated my pineal gland for being so selfish and irresponsible for not supplying the right amount of melatonin hormones to secure my sweet slumber every night. Darn my pituitary gland for declining my request for a new and liable pineal gland! They all want to spoil the chilly feeling of the storm, the bracing feeling that’s just perfect for an ideal sleep! Aargh! Damn. How could they do this to me? Even the left side of my brain is not cooperating! Lefty is somewhat mad at righty for some reason that she doesn’t ever wanna work with him! The result? I feel horrible! Righty always do these stupid things and start reminiscing that for eternity makes me feel emotionally unstable! God! I wished they’d make up so I can be all normal!

The abnormality continued for an excruciating record of 7 hours! Seven hours! Seven hours that’s about 5am! Darn…it took me that long to enjoy the perfect weather condition! But after an hour or two I’ve been awakened by my irritating sister who is so excited to go to her vacation trip to Bohol eventhough there’s a storm that she forgot I am sleeping at the sofa! She even had the radio on so loud for villain reasons. I felt really infuriated but for no reason I feel laughing and teasing my sister. Well it’s really strange you know, once I’m quiet I am ok but when I am laughing and teasing hysterically I am with a really big quandary..Hmm what the heck is my problem anyway? I dunno…maybe dilemma as to whether what to choose between what I like and what I should do, my gland’s negligence to produce the right hormones for me to sleep and maybe the constant nostalgia of my right brain.

The storm really is good on expressing its presence when we’re on our way to the airport to drop off my sister when a big misfortune occurred. I was busy texting my friends, uhm I kinda had my attention on the fone that I didn’t pay much attention on the road. When suddenly I took a glimpse and as fast as I could remember the anterior part of our car just crashed to the tail of the truck that just came out of no where! I dunno how many times I said shit when it happened or whether it’s because of shock, fear or anger. Darn. I just felt relieved we’re alive and okey. What am I thinking at that moment? I am just thankful that I wore that seatbelt coz I was seating at the front and if I didn’t, my head is in for another good bump! My sister was forced to take a cab to the airport while my father talked to this reckless driver. Taking negotiation as to what they’ll do for the incident when a fat policeman riding the typical motorcycle law enforcement traverses. I was thankful he came to investigate but I immediately withdrawn my gratitude for he’s not much of a help! Coz the first thing he did was to ask for money! Tsk! Tsk! They never really change, do they?

Well, just to cut the chase…we ended up to be the one paying the truck driver for the damage we inflicted to his truck while he walked free from any charges that he did to our car! I felt really annoyed to my father for making such a puny decision on agreeing at it but he told me to back off for I don’t know anything about the said matter…it really made me feel quite taken aback but what the heck, he’s the adult! What can I do? I hate him for being so submissive and even more to my concern, I somehow inherited some of that! Somehow being too submissive makes others take that weakness to get what they want. It’s unfair! That’s all I can say, freaking unfair. The damage made to the car is horrendous! And for the driver to walk away just that without any debt is even worst! I dare not to talk to my father not because I agree to him but because I was really in the bad mood as “Caloy” is! We we’re out there like a blind man walking to the streets without any wipers and lights and not to mention the weather became even mad! We decided to drop off the car to the “talyer” then just commute on the way home. My father sensed my constant cold-shoulder that he treat me to “maligayang bubuyog” for lunch.

But that really didn’t work. I stayed wordless and mute until we reached home. I lied down, close my eyes and just rest my head.

...classification of friends...

• Best Bud ito yung kaibigan na alam ang ugali mo inside and out, alam kung pano ka tratuhin, alam niya kung kelan ka badtrip, dpress at pag kelangan mo ng kausap even though wala ka naming sinasabi. Lahat ng gusto mong sabihin, sinasabi mo sa kanya- mapa-secret crush, dark secret o kahit medyo lewd pah! Hehe. Handa silang daragin ang lahat para iapagtanggol ka at kasama sa lahat ng kalokohan, kalandian at lakas trip! Tanggap ka niya kahit ano pa man ang gawin mo, mapagkakatiwalaan at di nang-iiwan sa ere! Kaya nga best bud eh!

• ‘tol! ito yung mga taong ‘tol, friend, pare, mare at kung ano-ano pang likhang pangalan ang tawag sa ‘yo pero onti lang ang alam nila tungkol sayo..uhm siguro mga 70% lang or less pah…sila yung mga lagi mong kasama kaya medyo close na rin kayao in a way. Tas yung iba namang case super close na talaga kayo at napagkakatuwaan niyo lang tawagan ang mga ganun.

• Tropa – eto ang mga taong binubuo ng puro kalokohan, ka cornihan at riot, hehe…mga taong laging magkakasama na kahit magkakaiba ng personality ay may common factor o interest kaya nagja-jive ang mga trip…yung iba tunay pero yung iba mostly hindi nagtatagal…

• Telebu-Budz – eto yung mga taong sobrang enjoy kausap sa fone o sa text pero sa totoong buhay, di kayo mashadong nagha-hung out na magkasama.

• Infor-Budz – hai eto ang mga masisipag na tao na lagging tanungan ng assignments, projects, dates ng exam at siyempre ang number 1 source ng kinokopyahan mo! Haha

• Sosyal – mga taong actually di mo naman talaga ganun ka-gusto kasama kaso kelangan pakisamahan for popularity reasons. Mostly ang pinag-uusapan ng mga taong ‘to anything on the surface lang, kasi di nga sila ganung ka-close!

• Good ‘ol Buddies – mga long lost friends mo from the past. Nagkahiwalay kayo because of the unfortunate swirl of fate pero still ganun pa rin ang trato niyo sa isa’t isa...walang nagbago – kwentuhan, tawanan at biruan pa rin kayo ‘pag nagkikita, todo txt at tawag pa rin!

• Hesistah Friend- mga taong hesistant pag kasama mo o nahihiya o minsan parang preoccupied lagi, nakikitawa pero refuse to open up first pero once nakuha mo yung trust niya, he’ll be your most loyal friend.

• For the Sake of mga taong napilitan ka lang pakikasamahan o gawing panakip butas o hingahan ng sama ng loob kasi you don’t wanna feel alone! –manggagamit ka rin noh?!

• Mate – ‘to yung mga taong na-meet mo o na nakasama sa mga group projects, program o presentation at dahil dun nagging close na rin kayo! Dito rin nabibilang siyempre ang lahat ng may –mate sa dulo: classmate, groupmates, seatmates, dancemate, roommate at etc.

• Along the Way- mga taong na-meet mo o lagi mong nakakasabay sa pag-uwi sa jeep o bus, naging close kayo simula nun at laging magkasabay sa pag-uwi at laging magkachikahan on the way home!

• Too Good to be True
eto yung mga taong kala mo di mo makakasundo pero nung lubos mo na siyang nakilala, nanghinayang ka agad kasi di mo siya kinaibigan dati pah!

• :) - mga taong wala ng ibibigay seo kung hindi tawa o ngiti pag nagkakasalubong kayo kasi wala naman talaga kayong dapat pag-usapan kasi di naman talga kayo close- siguro pinakilala lang siya sa ‘yo ng friend mo or mostly crushes ang mga ito.

...the flow of writing...

the flow of writing comes when everything is wrong and wrecked but you feel it's the right time to write. it is when your heart is full of agony and ample amount of mixed emotions yet your mind is awkwardly in peace. it is when you feel the strong urge to slap somebody in the face so bad but you chose to write the ardor and abhorrence and punch the right letters to form the words that will hit the right sentiments.

its strange for when somebody is happy, the emotions are quite explicit yet you cant contain them in words but once you're hurt, every single shudder, whimper, glitching pain and flowing tears are so damn easy to fit in a three long stanzas! quite ironic...yet this blog, full of melancholy and pain is a bias form of assumption that this is what i really feel at the moment...coz tell you one thing...I'm happy but i cant seem to explain how or why...i just feel i am! light and free from grudges of the past! i felt betrayed once but i understand now. its all clear...

i am no hopelessly romantic writer, i am just a mediocre type of writer who writes her everyday journey to life- like a little child whose so eager to write her adventures and experiences on a piece of paper called diary.

Experience is one most greatest teacher and motivation. Take a risk on life...take it, there's no harm on trying. Take every blow and you'll be rewarded!

...pint of regret...

I cherished you above all of my friends, gave my reliance and assurance that you’d do the same for me…but now? All of it seems like a big joke. I embraced you in times that I was in the dark and full of confusion but as the end of the tunnel loomed, I can see it all clear, it was all full lies. I felt stupid and deceived. All of my foundations as what really a friend should be collapsed right at my very feet.

I feel no anger but to be exact I feel a pint of regret. I lament the thought that I ever did tell you all of those things with such trust, the way I confided all my sentiments with no hesitation, the way you comforted me and the way I forgot that humans will always be humans…they can never be perfect. Coz what made them human in the first place was their imperfections. Its human nature, I couldn’t change that. It’s easy to be dumb and break other’s trust yet it is damn hard to bring it back. And to be able to trust again is the harder part.

But to lose the word “best” in bestfriend? Is the hardest of them all.

I guess having to have a best bud is really not meant for me. Trust. Above all is very important to me. I can never have a best pal if she can’t even trust me with all her problems and so as to be open to me, whether it’ll be good or bad. Coz for me? The definition of a bestfriend is like a mirror. She can see all the flaws yet see also the beauty. It is being honest vice versa and not a one way thing. It has to be true and can say all things without hesitation. Do I ask a lot? I guess I did…

...big brother (the dorm experience)...


Pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay ni Kuya! Oo tama! At nakisama ako sa mahigit 800 na kabataan at di lang sa isang maliit na bahay kung hindi sa isang malaking pink mansion! May kitchen, may sala, may wash room, may dining hall at may 4 na bathrooms! At di lang sa loob ng 100 days kung hindi 300 days!

Haay! Naniniwala ka ba?! Maniwala ka dahil celebrity na ako ngayon! At haha nauna pa ang experience kong yun kina Uma, Cass o kay kumander Nene! Bwahaha…only one thing-hindi kasi ito natelevise!

Nagstay ako sa bahay ni Mr. Ruperto Sanggalang sa pink mansion niya sa loob ng campus namin sa bundok na ngayon marahil ay kilala mo na, ang Cavite State University!

Gets mo nah?! Nagstay ako sa dormitory ng school and to tell you the truth, di nagkakalayo ang experience ng mga housemates sa mga dormmates!

Di ka kumbinsido noh?! Teka hayaan mong sabihin ko sayo ang ilang pagkakatulad:

1. ang home sickness o friend sickness!

- oo promise! Totoo ito! Dahil nung unang night ko nga sa dorm feeling ko di ako makastay sa loob agad dahil eveytime I step inside the room, naiiyak ako kaya alam mo ginawa ko? Lumabas ako at inikot ko ang buong campus namin! Na to tell you the truth ay sobrang laki! Haay..habang naglalakad, todo emote ang lola niyo sabay mo pa nang pagtetext sa mga kaibigan na sad to say mga unlimited sa smart at yung iba naman walang mga load nung mga time nay yun kaya hindi makareply! Tumakbo ako at naglakad hanggang magsawa, mapagod at magka-kalyo na ang mga paa ko kaya napilitan na rin akong bumalik!

  1. ang strange feeling na hindi ka maka-belong o pakikisama

- sa una siyempre dahil bago, awkward ang feeling. Nakakakaba dahil lahat ng feeling na negative iniisip mo na lalo na kung sa loob ng room niyo ay may old occupants! Tsk tsk…pero on the latter part naman pag medyo matagal na kayo nagkakasama masasanay na kayo sa isa’ isa at eventually matutunan niyong mag-cope sa mga difference niyo at irespeto ang lahat ng yon.

  1. ang independence

- sa loob ng dorm, sarili mo na lang ang inaasaham mo, wala ng iba. Wala na si mama para maglaba, magluto at magligpit ng kinainan mo. Kaya kung nasanay ka na prinsesa sa bahay, naku isang pinitensya ang unang dalawang week! Tell you the truth, nung unang week ko nga lahat ng nakakita sa ‘kin tuwing uuwi ako ng Friday o Saturday napagkakamalan akong maghihiking o maglalayas! Inuuwi ko kasi lahat ng marumi ko for 1 week! Grabeh but nung nagtagal naman I realized it was so uncool na ganun saka nasunog kasi yung isang palda ko sa plantsa kaya napilitan akong maglaba! Soobrang proud ako sa sarili ko nun in fairness! Kahit na naging longganisa yung mga daliri ako kakalaba! Haha..ang napagkukusot ko kasi yata lagi eh kamay saka damit! At siyempre kung gastadora ka, ngayon, dapat marunong ka nang mag-budget! Dahil kung hindi, Wednesday pa lang, pulubi ka na! hehe.

  1. ang responsibilities

- at dahil nga wala ka ng katulong sa dorm, kailangan ang mga responsibilities sa loob ng room ay evenly distributed tulad na lang ng pagluluto, pagsasaing, paglilinis, pagliligpit at siyempre bukod pa dun ang mga personal responsibilities mo sa sarili, school, pag-aaral at training.

  1. ang mga lessons and great experiences (dorm at college)

- nung una akala ko hindi ako magiging masaya kung magdodorm ako, dahil una wala ang mga dating kaibigan ko dito saka I’m not that friendly para magkaron agad ng maraming kaibigan pero ngayon? I even missed staying there and sleeping there! Sama mo pa ang mga pasaway na roommate ko sa 214!

- It was all great kasi the dorm for me is a huge place for meeting people and making friends. Dito ko na experience yung “jologs” yung feeling mo ang liit ng mundo dahil yung mga kaibigan mo pinapakilala ka sa mga kaibigan nila tas magiging close na rin kayo tas you’ll find out eventually na may kakilala rin pala siya na kaibigan mo rin.

- Ang pinakagreat na lesson na natutunan ko dito ay ang to smile always and laugh all the problems that troubles you. Bakit? Dahil unang una, I told you before ayoko talaga sa school & ayoko din na mapalayo sa friends ko dahil feeling ko nung una tinapon nila ko sa isang place na isolated mashado. Pero with the help of the people around me sobra kong na realize na smiling is a great way to ease up a problem and keeps you feeling in the mood always…saka it keeps people wondering kung bakit ka laging nakatawa…akala nila may sayad ka lang pero ang totoo niyan baliw ka lang talaga, hehe!

- I’ve learned that saying what you really feel is much better than keeping it all inside.

- Respect others and in return they will do it to you too! Actually sa lahat ng bagay ganyan talaga dapat, remember wag mo gagawin sa iba yung ayaw mong gawin sa ‘yo.

- Giving up is a mere excuse of laziness.

- Innocence is next to dumbness.

- Strong determination leads to great rewards.

- Pushing yourself to the limits may feel exhausting but once you recovered, it’s a great fulfillment.

- Gossips befriend those people who have greater knowledge of what others should do for themselves.

- Individuality can’t be achieved by extravagant clothes and thick make ups, it’s about being true to yourself and not minding other’s presumptions.

- Mas masarap maging kaibigan ang taong taklesa kaysa taong sinasabi lang ang mga gusto mong marinig pag nasa harap ka niya pero pag tumalikod ka na iba na pala sinasabi.

- Puny conversations are made for sake of discussion and eventually lead for compatibility of interests and mutual understanding.

- Being humble humbly keeps your friends forever.

- Keeping your mouth shut always produces saliva amylase excess, its not good for your health! ^-^

Great experiences and lore:

a. ang pinakabasic na dapat mong matutunan kapag nagdodorm ka ay ang pagbubukas ng de-lata na ang gamit lamang ay kutsilyo!

b. Kapag marunong kang mag-gisa, marunong ka ng magluto!

c. Ang pag-aalis ng nanikit na residue dahil nasunog mo yung niluluto mo ay maglagay ka ng tubig sa kawali tapos pakuluan mo dun! Solve ang problem!

d. Ang sinaing, binabantayan hindi iniiwan! At dapat hindi lugaw o tutong ang labas!

e. Ang isang de-latang bluebay ay pede ng pantawid gutom for 1 day!

f. Masarap na merienda ang Lomi, milo at “totong”!

g. Sawa ka na ba sa tortang itlog?! Pwes tortang sayote ni Moj naman ang tikman mo!

h. Kung di ka mashado marunong maglaba, magbabad ka muna! Lalo na pag puti!

i. Okey lang magcircus sa pagbaba sa double deck!

j. Ang pagkakaron ng maraming kakilala o kaklase sa loob ng dormitory ay malaking benefit lalo na pag nawalan kayo ng gas, asin, paminta o pede na ring ulam! Isama mo nah ang madaliang pagkopaya ng notes o assignments! At pag nakatulugan mo sa klase yung prof mo, pede ka pang magpaturo sa roommate mo!













k. Huwag ka mag-aaral pag katabi mo si Madame!

l. “Ang pag-aaral ay nakakasira sa pagtulog!”

m. Kung gusto mong mag-swimming, may free pool sa shower room kapag nagbabara dun!

n. Ang skeleton key o universal key sa mga room sa dorm ay tinidor o spoons!

o. Natutunan kong magtipid dahil sa pulburon ni ate sa canteen! May iba’t ibang flavor pah! –cookies & cream, pandan, strawberry, ube, chocolate at milk!

p. At dahil napaka mapagbigay tayo, may libreng teabags tayo for the vampires sa CR courtesy of our ever burara na dormmates!

q. At dahil mga nature lover tayo may kasama tayong mga bulate at palaka! At sino ba naman ang hindi maiingit sa atin? Sosyal ang tv natin! Tatlo! San ka pa! isa para sa audio, yung isa sa video at yung last pang display factor!

r. Ang pagtulog ay masaya at purposeful na hobby!

s. Ang paglagabog ng pinto ay normal lang.

t. Masaya ngumiti at humagalpak sa pagtawa kahit OA!

u. Naapreciate ko ang mga corny na jokes.

v. Exercise ang paglalakad kaya kahit na late ka na sa class, go pa rin!

w. Masaya tumambay sa corridor ng dorm, maupo at kasama ng tropa na may gitara, birit na sa kantahan!

x. Ang pangangapit-bahay ay normal lang.

y. Ang pagiging smart thinker o yung mga smart conversation kapag kumakain ay epekto ng masarap na ulam na niluto.

z. “Miss, may kasunod poh keo?!” –famous quote!


Basta, somehow kahit papano I’ve learned a hell lot that I could ever know ng pumasok ako sa dorm and all gratitude falls for the people that resides at that dormitory! Sa mga classmates, kakilala, kangitian at most especially sa mga roommates ko: Lyrene, Moj, Bon, Madam, Leleh, Tocie at Smile! I am grateful na naging roommates ko 'tong 7 na toh! Pagsamahin mo ang Criminology, BS Math, BPE, Management at Nursing sa isang room and what will you get? Total rumble! Hehe…a rumble of mystifying jokes, laughter, debate and fun!

...himig...

Kasama ko ang mga bituin,
Ang lamyos ng hanging nanghahalina,
Ang mapangalaw na sinag ng buwan…”

Kumuha ako ng isang malalaim na buntong-hininga, bago pumasok sa loob at pinagmasdan ang apat na sulok ng kwartong pinaglipasan ko ng oras upang limutin ang sakit ng kahapon. Kirot at pait na dati’y sadyang nakalimutana’y unti-unting umaantig sa aking katauhan. Dinidilig ng animo’y alcohol ang sugat na di pa tuluyang naghihilom.

Sumilip ako sa durungawang upang panandaliang matakasan ang nakasasakal na aura ng nakaraan. Tandang tanda ko pa…dito, sa silid na ito nahulma ang kalahati ng aking pagkatao. Nabuo dito ang mga pangarap, galak, galit at minsa’y may hatid na mga luha. Dito, sa kwartong ito, bagama’t maliit ay nagkasya ang mga malalaking ambisyon ko para sa aking sarili. Bagama’t manipis ang mga kahoy na nagsisilbing haligi’y hindi kailanman nauulinigan ang hiyaw ng pagkabigo at siphayo. Walang espesyal sa kwarto ko, walang telebisyon o radyo pero meron namang bentilador na humuhupa sa init ng ulo’t tumutuyo sa mga luhang sinasalo ng aking unan.

Pero alam mo ang pinakapaborito kong lugar sa aking kwarto? Ang aking durungawan. Malaki ito at gawa sa mga kahoy na bumubuo sa karaniwang mga bahay noong mga panahon ni Rizal. Ang aking durungawan, bintana at salamin ko sa katotohanan ng mundo. Isang malaking “nebolizer” at sanktwaryo ko sa lahat ng problema at pangamba. Natatanaw at naabot ko ang kalangitan sa tuwinang titingin rito. Lalo na pag gabi, nakatutuwang pagmasdan ang mga bituin na nangingislap at waring nangungusap.

Ang mga talang iyon ay ang nagpapawi sa aking lumbay…tila isang kaibigang nanganganlong at yumayakap sa humihikbing nilalang. Ang kwartong ito, bagama’t maliit ay kapipintahan ng napakaraming ala-ala.

(an excerpt from d story im writing...di pa tapos kea d mxado nagtutugma yung contents at title)

...kaguluhan sa bundok...


Noong Biyernes Abril 21, 2006, ginanap ang mataimtim na seremonya ng pagtatapos ng batch 2005-2006 ng mga mag-aaral ng Cavite State University. At kabilang sa mga panauhing tagapagsalita ay ang ating butihing presidente na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Siya ay malugod na pumayag sa imbetasyon ng administrasyon ng unibersidad upang magbigay ng talumpating magbibigay inspirasyon sa mga magsisipagtapos nguni’t sa kalagitnaan ng kanyang paglalahad ng kanyang mensahe ay may isang mag-aaral na nangahas ng nagtaas ng isang pulang banner na nagsasabing “No To Cha-Cha!”. Ang buog tao ay nangahimik, bagama’t napansin ng presidente ay tila dinedma na lamang niya ito. Pinuntahan ng mga pulis ang nasabing mag-aaral na nakilala bilang si Theresa Panganiban at hinablot nila ang banner na iyon upang hindi na madagdagan pa ang komosyon. Nguni’t sa likod naman ng mga nanonood ay may dalawang taong ganun din ang ginawa, dito na napatigil ang presidente. Umaksyon agad ang mga pulis at agad na kinuha at kinausap ang mag naglabas ng banner. Bagama’t may mga nangyaring kaguluhan, natapos naman ang nasabing pagtatapos pero dahil na rin sa kaguluhang yaon ay napilitan ang mga pulis na manigurado sa seguridad ng presidente kaya ang bawat mag-aaral ay kinapkapan at ang mismong nagtaas ng banner ay may escort pang pulis na umakyat sa stage sa pagkuha ng kanyang diploma.

Ang naturang estudyante? Ay isang Mass Communication graduate at aming presidente ng Central Student Government o CSG. Siya ang aming presidente na aming binoto dahil alam naming karapatdapat siya at may kakayahan sa pamumuno. Magaling siyang magtimbang ng salita at ipadama sa nakararami ang kanyang naiisip. Bilang isa sa mga bumoto sa kanya, hindi ako nagkamali. Hanga ako sa kanya! Sa tapang at determinasyong ipinakita niya roon. Marahil ang iba ay sasabihin na ikinakahiya nila siya dahil minsan na nga lang matelevise ang school naming nasa bundok ay sa isang eskandalo pa kung saan naipakita na parang bastos at walang modo ang mga estudyante. Marahil may punto sila, pero ano nga ba ang ginawa niya? Isang krimen ba iyon upang ikahiya? Para sa akin, walang mali sa ginawa niya. Sang-ayon ako sa sinabi niya na walang pinipiling oras ang paglalahad ng hinaing. Isang demokratikong bansa tayo, may karapatang sabihin ang sariling hinaing at opinion! Samakatwid, ang kanyang ginawa ay hindi labag sa batas kung hindi isang simpleng pagsusulit lamang sa karapatang ibinigay sa bawat mamamayang Pilipino. Saludo ako at humahanga sa kanya dahil matapang niyang ipinarating ang kanyang saloobin at hindi inalintana ang mga pulis o ang magiging hatol sa kanya ng administrasyon ng paaralan. Siguro marahil ang iniisip ni GMA kaya siya pumayag na dumalo sa pagdiriwang ay akala niya na ang mga batang naroroon ay mga inosente at walang alam sa nangyayari sa mundo. Sa tulong ni “There” masasabi kong malinaw niyang naipahiwatig na tayong mga estudyanteng taga CvSU ay may alam din at may pakialam sa nangyayari sa ating bansa. Dapat siyang tularan ng mga kabataan, isang may pakialam sa kahihinatnan ng ating bansa at di natatakot ipahayag sa nakatatas ang kanyang opinion. Di tulad ng ibang kabataang walang pakiaalam sa mga nangyayari sa paligid at walang inatupag kung hindi ang manood ng sine, mag-internet, maglaro at gumala. Panahon na para kumilos at makialam mga kaibigan…sana maging parte rin tayo ng bansang ito at maging aware tayo sa nangyayari sa ating bansa. Patunayan natin ang sinabi ni Jose Rizal! Tayong mga kabataan ang pag-asa ng ating bansa! Mabuhay tayo!

Basta, ako bilang isang estudyante ng unibersidad na ito, proud akong may dugong CvSU pa ring nananalaytay sa akin!