A bottle of alcohol is a way to kill longingness.
A cup of caffeine prevents stupor hallucinations.
Nicotine, alcohol and caffeine – my dose of aspirin for a good heartache. It may seem like a shallow reason for such an outrage. I mean –love? Of all reasons it’s not that deep enough to get the entire twinge! Maybe the death of someone – like the loss of a mother’s child or a child’s mother? But love? Come on! Isn’t it too teenager-like? A silly thought that immature persons cry and yank about. Don’t even try to give more reasons, I do think it’s a worthless cause to cry and frown. But what the hell do you know anyway? You’re not the one who felt presently present in the outside but dying inside. You’re not the one who felt melting every night because of melancholy. I am no stupid person for not realizing all this – I just found it hard to move on.
Moving on, like they say is the hardest part to do and change is the most fearful. Moving on is like you’re two places at one time…your right foot on the past and the left one on the future! You want to step that right foot and walk to the future yet you can’t coz it’s too darn heavy. It’s heavy because there are lot of questions that remain unanswered, too much longingness, too much love and unsaid words. You tend to remove your shoe and the load so you can walk freely to the present but you can’t use the left shoe either that’s why you also removed it. You can walk freely now and seems happy but having no shoes, there are stones on the way that keep hurting your toes that’s why you think about your shoes and wished you’ve never left them behind.
We tend to pretend we move on because we left all that junk behind but in the long run they’ll still haunt you for you yet left an unfinished business. Being free and away from all of the memories of the past doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. It’s only a temporary escape, a fleeting seconds, days or months of oblivion yet when the time comes and you two face each other again, all those effort will be useless because all of that past that you thought you passed is just under your consciousness. And just like that! Snap! When you look in his eyes? It’ll just zap you back to what went before and later than you know; water is flowing from your cheeks.
I was that girl who left that shoes behind, knowing how crazy I am to do that, went back to wear them only to find out they’re still heavy as they were before. I feel so hopeless that I couldn’t do anything, the time I spent running back just to get that shoes was a waste of time, and I couldn’t do anything except to breakdown and cry. I weep, weep and weep until those dewdrops of tears flowed and got my shoes wet. To my amazement, I noticed them getting lighter. Noticing this, I thought that somehow the tears are helping me to move my right shoe so I weep again but it takes too much time so I got a lancet from pocket and slash my arms so the blood will help the tears…each time I bleed and cry I become weak but at the same time the weaker I get, the brittle the shoe does too! I am soaked with my own blood and tears when I finally get my right shoe off that road of the past. I was so happy that I hugged and kissed that shoe! The tears made my eyes fluffy and cut stings like hell but do it matters now? I can move my right foot now! The fluffiness will be gone by tomorrow and the scar? It may take a long time but at least – I am free. I am free and I will walk my life with my pair of shoe! My past, present and future! My point? Crying and bleeding helps in moving on. Crying is not weakness it’s being just humane as everyone does and being brave enough to accept that not all things are meant for us. Bleeding is actually allowing to hurt yourself but not so as to kill or literally slash your arms but as to giving yourself time to realize how stupid you are for staying at that same place for a freaking long time! Because the moment you realized that and the time you know that “I need to move on and this is silly” is a big help and progress for that stage. Nobody else can help you but yourself, you may have all your friends by your side and giving all this and those advices but yet if in yourself you’re saying “I can’t” then it’ll definitely won’t work!
Diverting your attention to much purposeful activities and getting yourself a shock absorber will pretty much help too! I have done some writings and sports although for the nicotine, alcohol and caffeine stuff it may not sound too good but it helped me in a way. Don’t even try those though…I do not advice you to look so depressed. Go out and have some fun! Try other things and hope you can also move on! The process is not that easy though, it’s a big pain in the ass coz the longer it takes to cling unto those hopeless hopes and pain, the more it gets difficult. There maybe times that you want to forget about him yet all things around you seems to be all conspiring with each other just to turn you down and make you think and miss that person but hold on, never loose optimism, moving on is not a piece on paper that you can just throw and burn then poof! It’s gone! It takes time. It takes time to heal and get used to the feeling he’s never gonna be there for you like before. Take a moment and let yourself bleed for now when the time comes all of it will seems like a big joke and all you can do is laugh coz you’ll realize how stupid you are for crying and staying at the same place while others are out there having fun with their lives moving forward!
But how do we know if we really have move on anyway? Big question…hmmm for me it’s as good as saying that all the things that happened before whether painful or not, you can now smile about it and embraced it as a part of you. It is about being grateful for the sorrowness because if not for it, you can’t realize the very existence of peace, joy and your ability to love. It’s not the process of how you did it that matters, it is the outcome that comes after it. If you have been successful enough to convert all the trials into a big lesson in life, accepts the risk to change and you continue to live life as a better or wiser person then, I congratulate you!
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