...I will...

I will stand out from whatever I do.

I will take the lead from now on.

I won't hesitate, I will trust myself.

I will try to be the ultimate me!

...Numb, Dumb and Bummed Out...

I’m frying my lungs out for the most nonsense reason: I AM PISSED. Pissed with my life and its non directionality. No matter how many packs of smokes I consume still the stark incompleteness and non directionality remains. I pity my lungs. If they can cry, they would cry by now and if they have hands they would probably slap me hard. I have to stop this.


I am so tired of hearing the mundane complain of others yet take note, I am making one now, haha. I’m sick of seeing the awful truth and unbearable reality. I’m so exhausted being underpaid and yet I’m still not getting the right amount of respect and acknowledgment I should have. I give up to find genuine love and new friends. I’m so fed up worrying and thinking what is my sole purpose in this world. I feel numb, dumb and bummed out.

...Residue Feelings...

The curtains wave furiously as the strong gush of wind hit her face. She was staring blankly at her gray colored wall again, her mind viciously travelling into another world.

She’s with the love of her life, under the blanket of stars as they witness the hundred flickering lights from the buildings. They lay together on the grass, his arms wrap around her. He kissed her softly on her forehead and hugged her tighther.

“You have my heart you know that right? Open it and you’ll see only yourself”
“Then I’ll gently close them and take care of you. You’re the only person that makes my heart melt…you stole my heart from the moment we first talked.”
“I love you.”
She gently closed her eyes and smiled.
“I love you too and I wanna wake up everyday saying that to you. I will love you till eternity.”

But then the eerie screeching sound of the car making a stop made her come back to her senses. A sudden gloom protruded her. She shook her head. Those sweet words, like the wind that gushed its way into her room is now gone…and what is just left are the residue feelings.

She can still remember the words that she said to him and how she felt while saying the words that broke two hearts. It felt as if while she was saying it, every word seared and stung as if someone was literally writing them in her own bear skin.

She wanted badly to cry now, but she fights it.

“I did the right thing.”

She knew damn well that if she continued the affair she’ll be more broke than she is today. She cared for him, loved him as far as she knows but his commitment to another girl, his reputation and his facade is so ambiguous that made it even harder. At some part she recalled, she found herself torn between believing all his heart melting words and the other laughing at his powerful ways of manipulating a girl’s heart. They created a relationship based on attraction, later on found compatibility and then the blurry thing, love. But she wants to believe that what they had was just fatal attraction rather than the austere word: love because they only hugged, kissed and held each other’s arms by words. Cyber relationship. Pathetic but it felt almost close to reality.

She let go of him. She let go of an incredible person, the only man she knew she can connect with, can make her happy and can make her heart beat like crazy, make her fall. But instead of falling in love, she is now falling somewhere between being depressed and oppressed. Her heart turned ice cold again and feels no emotion. She acted that way not because she didn’t care or treasure what they had but rather for the reason that she’s losing herself when they were together. She’s turning into someone that she never wanted to be: a love wrecker, a mistress. So even if she feels a tinge of regret, pain and longing for him, she knows that no matter what one thing will never be taken away from her: DIGNITY.

Regardless of the probability that he toyed her, she doesn’t care anymore. Because she let herself gave in and just feel everything. She still has a dozen of questions in her mind, questioning the validity of her feelings and his but she gave an odd smirk and said: “What the hell for?”.

It is all over. A story that has no beginning ended.

...Trampoline...

When all the things around you seems to be falling out of place and dilapidating so fast that it does not make a single sense at all, you know you are falling to a dark abyss.

Falling unconscious and helplessly we struggle to move and comprehend what is going on but in the end we just surrender to the thought that we are indeed gonna hit rock bottom. We try to swim hard as if we are drowning and something is suffocating us, crushing our lungs until every breath is so hard to take in. We try to fight it, just to reach the surface and breathe fresh air again. The air of being fine and okay, the air of euphoria.

But every persistent try ends with a cry, it's not easy to just bounce yourself back again, no matter how easy it sounds coz where you are? Is in a deep ocean. Fighting for your life, swimming like crazy just to survive but your whole torso is shackled with big ball of chains. Escape is not possible. Trying is an option but dying is inevitable.

In a split second, you wonder if there is reason for all these. Should i fathom something from this dark unknown abyss? Still struggling, you give off your last adrenalin...fight or flight? You want to fight but your mind already chose to surrender. Surrender and just let you hit the ground with a big loud thud.

Surprisingly, after hitting the bottom, it felt incredulously fine and serene than what you have been expecting. You even felt more relax now than before trying to break off to the surface. Then something came into you, you felt enlightened. You closed your eyes and gave a sweet smile and said: "I just need to just let things be, I don't have fight it....just fall. Even if I know its gonna be disastrous coz sometimes we just need to feel all these...we need to reach the bottom in order to bounce back. The more you resist falling, the more its gonna hurt".

...Stranger...

Can I hold your hand? Can I hug you tight for a minute or two? I don’t need your stories and your cute little smiles; I just need to feel warmth again. I just need to know how it feels to have someone who cares again.

I’ve been looking of ways on how to replace it…how to substitute a human’s touch but all I can do is take a warm shower and pretend someone is hugging me tightly…I want it to last but my skin will get burned and pruned if I stay too long…a feeling of warmth for 5 minutes, haha…taking a shower, my freaking desperate way of sorting out my longing and sadness.

Crying in the night, feeling helpless and lonely. A feeling of relentless incompleteness, how can I stop these?? All I can do is hug my pillow tight, close my eyes and turn the volume of my ipod up just to calm my mourning soul.

I’m a fucked up and miserable soul, so don’t be surprised to find me odd. I’m not talkative, not friendly and not even fun to be with! I’m broken and I give up trying to fix me.

Thank you for listening and still staying. I know you think this is weird but your presence is enough to make me smile. Haha. And nowadays? All I care about is being okay…and I must say, you make my unstable complicated life a lot better. Stranger, very friendly stranger…just stay around coz I like you to be my friend and maybe by then I won’t have to call you stranger anymore.

...kay bestfwend kabute...

You are one of a kind,
You don’t wanna say that you love or care for someone,
But I know you’re hurting.

You just have an expert way of concealing it.
You have a funny way of showing you care,
Have a pride that fries the faintest heart.
So what would it be….
An overload of happiness and praise,
Endless chase for love and loyalty but when it’s right in front of you,
You get scared and suddenly get blind.
Don’t ask me the answer
Coz I know you already know…
The answer lies in the deepest chamber of your heart,
And that person is the one that makes it beat like crazy,
Accepted you and loved your flaws,
And you know that in his arms is the only place you feel safe.
You’ve been in this road a lot of times
Don't you think it's time to make a turn?
Everyone can hurt you,
It’s just choosing who's worth all the pain!

...Loose Connection...

Thousand suppressed feelings and inevitable irritability. Do I sound like I’m having PMS? God, but that is always how I feel nowadays. Like sometimes I just ask myself out of nowhere: What the fuck is your problem??? Sigh, I’m tired of figuring what is wrong with me so I just settle with my simplest explanation: it’s just the way I am and I can’t change it no matter how I badly want to, it’s like an innate kind of personality flaw or should I say personality tantrums.

I’ve always been an ambiguous person, I don’t know what I want and I’m pretty quite sure I don’t know myself. And what’s happening to me now? I haven’t had a single clue. It’s like the feeling that you’re swimming in a thousand gallons of mixed emotions but you feel nothing but empty. It’s like someone snatched your soul and you’re just left with a mortal body: walking, talking and interacting but you show no emotion. It’s weird, even how I interact with the people I like or care about, I wanted badly to talk to them more and make them laugh but I feel so restraint I can’t do anything about it. I wanted badly to feel something, just to feel that I’m still real but it never comes, well sometimes it does come but it’s never really the appropriate one; that’s why I get irritated a lot. I’m a shitlful, senseless and humorless prick; how can I expect to have a better and caring social life with this kind of attitude?

I don’t know if there’s just a loose connection between my mind, my heart and my soul. I don’t know if I have a problem and it is just my body’s way of reacting upon it but I just hope I know it sooner, so I can fix it and deal with properly so I can be human again and feel something that is appropriate.

...<>...

Everything you love will only bring you to tears,

Tears will only make you love even more,

And more? Will just hurt you!

You deserve better than that!

...Limang Segundo...

“I love you more than a friend too!”

Tumigil ang mundo ko ng sinabi niya ang mga katagang iyon. Parang may biglang tumulak sa akin pero hindi pa naman ako umaalis sa aking kinatatayuan, parang may nagbuhos ng isang baldeng malamig na tubig sa aking katawan at sa isang saglit napansin ko na lamang na biglang tumigil sa pagtibok ang aking puso. Kasabay nito, parang isang mabilis na tren, nagbalik ang nakaraan na parang kahapon lamang. Lahat ng pangyayari, maling akala, mga sirang pag-asa, walang kamatayang pagmamahal, paghintay at ligaya.

Anong nararamdaman ko? Limang Segundo. Ano kamo? Mahirap ipaliwanag pero sasabihin ko sayo kung anong naramdaman ko sa limang Segundo matapos niyang sabihin sa akin iyon.

Unang Segundo (PAGKABIGLA)

Naasar ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ko pa naisipang itanong sa kanya ang mga bagay bagay na katulad na iyon na alam ko namang matagal ng nabaon sa limot, pero ewan ko ba, gusto ko kasing malaman…nanlalamig ang mga kamay ko habang naghihintay sa kanyang sagot.

At nang malaman ko na nga…ayun, parang tanga lang akong natigilan, alam ko may nararamdaman na rin kasi ako dati pa pero hindi ko akalaing totoo pala ang aking hinala, malay ko ba?? Akala ko kasi nagiilusyon lang akong mahal nga niya ako.

Ikalawang Segundo (ASAR)

Sinabi niya na mahal niya ko pero sa panahong di ko na kailangang marinig na mahal nya ko dahil wala ng saysay kumbaga at ang tanging rason lamang ng pagsabi niyang iyon ay upang ipaalam sa akin na oo, minahal niya rin ako.

Asar dahil sinabi ko na sa kanya dati, oo, umamin ako sa kanyang mahal ko sya pero hindi naman sya umamin sa akin dati, naguho ang buong mundo ko nun…oo lumuwag nga ang pakiramdam ko dahil napaalam ko sa kanyang mahal ko sya, pero syempre, masakit ding malaman na di kanya mahal di ba? Naghihintay kasi ako na umamin din sya sa akin, para sa akin kasi, senyales na yon para magpakatotoo kame sa aming nararamdaman kung pareho nga kame ng saloobin, pero di sya umamin, senyales din yon para sa akin na ngi-ilusyon lang ako na mahal niya rin ako at sumang-ayon na rin ako sa sinabi ng aking kaibigan na “in-love lang ako sa thought na in-love ako”.

Hinayaan niya lang akong maging miserable, hinayaan niya kong magdusa sa kanyang ala-ala, umiyak ng dagat at di makatulog sa kaiisip gayong alam niya namang tanging siya lang ang aking tanging gamot!

Ikatatlong Segundo (PANGHIHINAYANG)

Sinong tanga naman ang hindi manghihinayang hindi ba? Lumagpas sa palad mo ang isa sa maraming pagkakataon na maging tunay na maligaya dahil lamang sa simpleng rason na wala syang lakas ng loob para ipaglaban ang iyong nararamdaman hindi ba?

Sinabi niya na isa sa mga rason kung bakit hindi niya sinabi ay dahil natatakot siyang masaktan niya ko. Nakakatawa. Sinabi ko sa kanya, ang tanging bagay lamang na nagbigay pighati sa akin ay ang iyong paglayo. Kung alam niya lang kung anong handa kong talikuran at ibalewala para sa kanya dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na ang naramdaman ko para sa kanya ay isa sa pinakamalalim na pede kong maramdaman para sa isang tao.

Ika-apat na Segundo (GALAK)

Natuwa ako dahil napatunayan kong marunong talaga akong maghamahal at hindi lang ako nagi-ilusyon, na ang aking mga kutob ay may katwiran din pala…may nadulot na kabutihan ang pa gamin niyang ‘yon dahil hindi napunta sa wala ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya dati, na hindi naman pala basta basta lang tumatalsik ang pagmamahal ko sa isang pader at bumabalik lang sa akin, minahal niya din ako…

Ikalimang Segundo (KAPAYAPAAN NG ISIP)

Pinagnilay nilayan ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin dati, sino bang may kasalanan? Sinong nagkulang? Pinaglaban ko ba ng sapat ang naramdaman ko sa kanya? Sinabi ko ba ang mga dapat ko talagang sabihin? Tama na ba talaga yun? Para sa akin, sapat na sa akin yon. Kung meron mang nagkamali, sa opinyon ko ay sya na yun. Wala akong pinanghihinayangan kung minahal ko man sya o hindi, kung nagkatuluyan kame o hinde dahil marami akong natutunan sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya…naging matapang ako, mas matatag at mas nakilala ko ang aking sarili. Kung meron mang dapat manghinayang, siguro ay siya na yun, dahil di niya ko hinayaang mapakita kung gaano ko sya kamahal at kung gaano sya kahalaga, haha..ang kapal nuh??!

Ang totoo niyan, walang dapat sisishin dahil hindi na mahalaga kung sino ang nagkamali, nagkulang o naduwag dahil ang mga bagay na tulad nito ay parte ng ating buhay na siyang kailangan natin upang matuto. Ang mahalaga ay kung paano natin ito gagamitin sa kasalukuyan o kinabukasan. Natutunan ko na kung may nararamdaman akong matindi para sa isang tao, hindi ko na ito itatago...ipaglalaban at isisigaw ko ito sa buong mundo, wala na akong paki sa aking pride o kung ano mang kahihinatnan dahil ang mahalaga ay sinubukan mo sa lahat ng iyong makakaya na ipaalam sa taong mahal mo kung gaano siya kaimportante sayo!

Napayapa ang isip ko dahil nasaran ko na ang isang parte ng buhay ko na palagi lamang nakabukas dati dahil hindi ko pa nalalaman ang katotohanan, kaya salamat sa iyong katapatan, malaking bagay iyon para sa akin at nagagalak akong kaibigan pa rin kita hanggang ngayon.

...Goodbye For Now, My Snowman...

Tired of loving.
Sick of scarring.
No more room for hoping.

It’ll be perfect if you’re the one. It’ll be good because you know me by heart and not by sight. But perfect only happens in dreams but in reality we’re not meant to be. You got someone by your side and for all I know loves you dearly. Though you’re saying I have your heart, it’s hard for me to break somebody’s heart just because of my selfish reason – that I love you.

She came first in your life and at some part I know you loved her so too. She has every right to be happy and have your undivided love and attention. I have no right to hurt her. I’m a parasite in this story and I feed only to your love, it’s keeping me alive and happy but I’m gonna hurt someone and I just don’t want to be that kind of person.

I’m letting go not because you don’t mean anything to me nor that I don’t treasure what we had, I’m letting you go coz it’s not our time to love each other yet. I don’t believe in destiny but I know we’ll bump into each other someday and we’ll continue what we had and we’ll make sweet stories and fairytales come true…everyone will envy us.

Goodbye, for now my snowman.

...Undernearth the Sheets...

All is asleep but the night is still young, two creatures are covered with darkness but still wide awake. They forced a laugh awhile ago while drinking a whole bottle of tonic. They were trying hard to create a happy façade but when it was time to sleep it seems that every bit of sadness, longing and pain that they’ve been hiding is now lingering…Alas! An alcohol’s effect is really temporary!

Silence. Snore. Silence…Arrgh! It seems like a loud irritating tick of clock! The unbearable silence and doing nothing to stop it seemed to crack the first creature. Then after a minute or two, the second creature felt someone under her sheets…then it happens:

Gently those lips landed into mine…
Moist enough to take me by surprise!
But soon that tongue followed thru…
God!
That moist tongue, that lips…
It was driving me nuts!
Stuck in the middle of being freaked and being skeptical..
Being afraid and wanting to act upon her curiosity.
I let go…
Thought about every person I loved and wished to kiss-
I kissed back.
Memories of lost love made me so ecstatic.
So I kissed even more, fuck.
Licking the tongue that initiated it and biting that lips that brought back the memories.
Harder and longer I kiss the lips…
Feeling every bit, sucking all the energy to me.
Feeling the heat underneath the sheets, I felt a hand touched my breast, then down to my hips…
God! How I loved to be touched!
Then the hand removed my cover and barred my supple chest…
Damn. The moist lips was present again,
Kissing them gently, sucking them.
Oh my Lord, I thought of someone who I wanted to fuck so badly.
I thrusted to the opposite body with my clothes on,
Back and forth, forth and back, like I’m fucking someone.
Shit..
I licked the ear and kiss even harder…surrendering to the idea of what may happen next..
But then something broke the momentum
The person stopped.
And I was taken away from my dreamland-
I’m now back to my nightmare, my reality…
And the first thing I said was:
“What the fuck am I doing??!”