...old ma sentiments...

Everytime I hear her voice, I dunno if she really intends to do it but every word that came out in her mouth will only make me: irritated, mad or will just make me feel like a crap. You know the feeling that you’re about to fell to the ground and she just push you right there to it! Right to that ground, crushes your ego and remaining little hopes.

So why blame me if I don’t wanna speak to her? She never really had the motherly eminence that a child would like to have. Even if you don’t wanna talk about a certain issue she’ll just continue to push it, push it to humiliate yourself and make you feel even worse. Instead of clearing confusions and frustrations she’ll just throw it twice right back to you and will make you realize that you are the lousiest idiot in the planet. She’ll only add more negativity to you no matter how visibly hurt you are…

My sentiments, my apology…this is just the way I feel. I’m sorry but a wound that started long ago can’t be cured that abruptly and sometimes I wonder if will it ever really heal?

I dunno. All I know is that sometimes? I wish I could’ve had a different mom. A very strong statement right? But I’m not seeking approval here or something, I’m just here to express how I feel and these feelings? Just don’t come because of the spur of the moment thing, it has a long time basis. Life is not perfect, so much like this.

...10/25/07...

The hardest person to please is ourselves.
The highest expectation to reach is the one we set for ourselves.
The most hurtful defeat is having to lose yourself to your ego.

Problem starts based on how we perceive them in our minds that is why we should modify it first. We make our own monsters in our head, monsters that haunt us even if we're wide awake. We created them, we entertained the thought that is why we are suffering.

Don't baffle yourself with problems that have solutions....you can save your sanity by not thinking too much...ayt?? :)

...PPS...

How do you know when to stop? When you reached your limit and you’re giving all you got and still you ended up dishearten? When you push yourself so much but the end of the tunnel is just getting narrower at your every try?

All my hopes have been swept away by the gush of self doubts…I lose my optimism and honestly? I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I dunno how many times I cursed under my breath and said: I wanna quit! But my ego won’t let me say that out loud for I’m not a quitter.

But if thy frustrations will be kept silently inside me, it’ll be all pilled up and I may just explode one day without knowing it so I thought, I’d take the chance, I will confess my weakness. I have to for I don’t wanna pretend to be somebody that I am not.

I know she always says: It’s ok but at the back of my mind I know that it’s not ok. I’m afraid my mistakes will reflect on her and really, that’s the last thing I want to do for she has been nothing but good to me. Funny coz I way think more that I’m messing up than her, everytime I think I’m in trouble and I talk to her she always say that I’m doing a great job and that if I’m really in deep trouble she will be the one to approach me.

I made a promise to her that if there’s something really wrong I’ll tell her and all the time she asks if I’m ok I can’t help to say that I’m just lying but I knew that she knows that something is not right, I can sense it. It’s just that I just don’t want to let her know about my weakness and that she may have the idea that I’m not fit to be in the job.

The first time I was pressured was the first week, coz having to be new with all the post office things, I kinda felt stressed coz I have to learn and absorb these things before they get the idea to fire me. The second time was the second weeks for I knew that by this time I should be able to do things perfectly and as much as possible minimize the occurrence of errors. And lastly, was this week, I can’t help to blame myself automatically if there are some errors coz for the fact that I’m the new one, I should be the one to blame coz new ones suck up, right? It’s just that having to think this, and having to encounter more errors during my shifts, I’m just starting to doubt myself and lose my self confidence.

Fuck. It really sucks. And I’m damned coz I’m starting to have insomnia again, I'm losing my appetite (which hardly happens by the way) and my nicotine urge is starting to be more frequent than before which means that I’m having my PPS (pre-problematic symptoms) …these things, are my signs that I am way having more stress than I can handle.

...boys...

boys all have flowery tounges. it's either you play with them or they'll play you.
words are easy said and done so, don't flatter yourself so much and believe it's all true.

i have this rule in establishing a relationship with anyone: ALWAYS BE IN THE MIDDLE. never be too atttached and never be too cold. coz by doing that, you can save yourself from pain that you know you cant recover with and also, since your just in the middle, having to let go is easy coz you only have to step back twice or thrice and it's never gonna be hard.

it's a precaution i always take coz by doing this, im not really limiting myself coz im exploring both ways too...im not closing any doors, im looking of the possiblities and just waiting if stepping outside that door is worth it, you know what i mean??

...how are you?...

seems like an easy question ayt? a simple question with a simple answer.

"i'm great and you?"

but no matter how hard i emphasize that i am ok it seems that she has a bionic eye or something coz she's seeing what i truly feel.

everytime she pops up that question i hope i can just say: i feel pressured, can i quit now? LOL. but no, i can't coz i had already develop a sense of respect for her and i cant take to repay her super duper kindness to me with such crap.

"like a fading candle in the night, my soul is slowly wearing out, burning out of luck and enthusiasm...charred by failures that seems to be doubling up everyday...alas! i wanna give up and yet if i do, ill just waste ur trust... T-T"

our mouths can lie but not thy heart that feels and never thy eyes that is a transparent link to our souls...it's raining inside me and yet if i admit it, it is as good as saying i am weak..but thy self...is finding it hard to mask and muffle all the frustrations and worries...

her kindness entered my heart with such an impact that i can't explain. she treats me like as if i am her daughter....it's overwhelming. it's just so sad that i am raised to be a cold and quiet person, i cant treat her with such enthusiasm that she deserves. too bad im not her daughter coz you know what? it'll be cool to have a mother like that. i love her to death :)

...irritated...

in a dark and chilly corner she waited and plead that someone will come and hug her tight but no one really ever came...she fight back the tears that are already starting to fall, sniff and then breathe heavily and said: i gotta be strong for myself, gotta be the source of strength and not somebody else...coz if i still put my faith that they can be my cure i will forever be dependent to them...and if by chance they dont care no more i will be a helpless soul again waiting for others to feed me with strength.

i am withdrawing myself from waiting for them coz each time i wait and finally got someone with the yellow sign, i only get even more irritated...coz it's either they are more self absorbed or they simply don't wanna care...

so this i say: just smoke a stick of cigar...it is a good replacement for friends.

...why ask?...

The night pushed in as the tears kept flowing instantaneously from my cheeks, submerging all my frustrations, struggles and insecurities for the past 2 months.

Ah! Sweet release of tension! Clearing my soul from all emotional baggage.

Thousand of faces yet unknown
Couple of smiles yet I dunno what is real
Many roads yet I dunno which to choose

Pounding myself to give the best
Trying to rub off my insecurities
Imitating a strong person

I have a blurred goal
Proving something to erase all the prejudice
Struggling to earn that rightful respect

But here I am alone, asking:
What the hell for??

Each and everyone of these faces I see
I don’t even care about

So why ask to care for me?

...bittersweet....

laughters ringing in my ears, faces flashing in my head and memories flooding me with stark dejectedness. Reading stories from friends who are miles apart is a bittersweet moment.

having the privilege to be still part of their present life is a such a gift and quite rare for everybody can be your friend today but few can offer you to be still part of their life in the future...still, not having to be there at the most important event in their life or even just the ordinary days is a sad thing for you're missing the physical bondness that that certain event can only give :(