..07/24/07...

i don't know why those tears flowed...
why my insides were cold...
nor why did i walk away sobbing...

maybe her sweet voice tickled my sensitiveness...
her words plucked the tears that I have been hiding...

i wanted badly not to cry!
i fought the tears but they were stronger than me...

i let out...
tears flow, i wipe it dry, it still flows, i apologize...
i thank her then set off...

my own tears drowned me full of regrets and sorrow...
my pride...my glory moment, like the tears that flowed from my eyes:
it just rolled away and vanished....

it all come to an end but her kind words...
were like a helping hand that uplifted my spirits...
made me smile and i felt hope coming again...

thank you mam tala :)
for feeding me hope and inspiration as always!
you're really a star that anyone would like to just stare at
and be happy for the light you emit.
i love you!

...greatest achievement....

The greatest achievement one can have in his life is the ability to effectively impart himself to others and touch other’s life! We may not live forever but the memory that you have given will be permanently etched in them and a part of your soul will remain undoubtedly immortal in their very heart!

...forever...

I realized that no matter how far a person is, no matter how bad you don’t wanna think about them and distract yourself with other activities, you cannot really stop yourself from ever feeling compassionate for them because when you care and love a person, it rests and lives eternally in your heart and your soul will ceaselessly depend and long for their existence.

Every deafening laugh of pure joy and innocence, the jokes that mock your patience and the memories that were so deeply carved in your head makes you smile now right? But when silence subsides and loneliness break into the air, our minds, making an assumption that it can cheer us up automatically switch to those sweet and happy recollections but the truth is we evidently end up searing with the pain of longing and regretting the times we’re not beside them…the crucial point of being all sunken and drunken by the good all memories. You wanted badly to close this switch as much as possible but the portal to the past and the present are widely been opened now and you can’t even undo it. Alas! The fatal circumstances of missing someone continues…

Do you know that everytime someone say: I miss you, it doesn’t really just mean they miss you for this day only but rather they miss your presence yesterday, the days before it, weeks behind it and months prior to that also?! It means that everyday your lost presence is one of the reasons why they get up and find the courage to smile each day for they know that they’re a day closer of meeting you again someday!

“I don’t know why you are important to me,
Why I even miss you for the strangest reasons
Or
How you manage to make me smile by just slipping a thought of you...
All I know is that it’s a sign!
A notice that you will forever reside here, in my heart and forever be a part of who I am before, now and in the future.”

The word “forever” is so vague that sometimes it’s almost unrealistic. For me? It never really is believable but I trust in the power of just holding on and treasuring every single moment! Friends forever? Friends stuck in my heart until its last viable beat ends!

..Saved...

Before we wake up each day just because we need to go to school or work, do the same chores we do everyday, eat so our tummy wont growl and then go home, sleep and then do the same things over and over again. Then, at some point we’ll realize, we’re doing things ordinarily and redundant that we lose sense of what we really do…we feel so bored, lethargic, uninterested and so unspecial. We started questioning ourselves if this is what we really want to live for the rest of our lives and ponder if we just take the other way around to turn our life upside down. We feel shackled and suffocated of all the monotonous things we do it is as if we just do this things because we are oblige to or we have a responsibility to do it and not because we like it or this is really our passion. As this continues, we become more and more frustrated each day; massive feelings and anxieties will pile up and accumulate acute depression of some sort. We loose our purpose and the worst scenario is that we will loose our soul in the process and become just like a zombie, a creature that moves but has no desires or whatsoever in life! All it does is to move …do the things it was accustomed to…no complain, no joy, no emotions.

Have you ever felt that way? I have. And to tell you I was a walking zombie before! I was negotiated to go to a school and enter a course I don’t like before, it was really a living disaster for me…coz I am away with my highschool friends, I had to stay to the dorm, I have no other places I can go and party at and I felt that in that stinking school I can never really find a decent friend I can ever go along with. Everyday I was just waking up, eating, doing homeworks and school stuffs…so maybe you’ll ask if it’s really not my interest to study there and taking up that course, why still insist of going and actually learning it? I study because my ego can’t take it if I fail! I study so that my ego won’t be crushed…eventhough I don’t get the chance to enter the course that I preferred to take, I still don’t like to feel defeated. So in the process of getting accustomed to the school and my course the price i had to pay was my soul, I gradually lose my soul and passion…day by day I survived by just doing things that were told to me. Until one day, a miracle came to me, my soulless body is starting to have one again…my heart, it suddenly beats not that fast and strong but I can hear its puny beat and it made me smile and wonder why all these suddenly occur?

And I found the answer… I’m never really aware of it before but then I saw a light when I looked at my newly found friend there, I gasp for air as realized that she was feeding me that light long before I first knew her. The light that I lack of, the one that I lose before: the light of life and joy. I broke down and then cried I was surprised coz I never really have done that for a long time, then as those tears drop from my eyes, I stood up, hugged her and said: “My frozen heart, my soul that died and my lost passion, do you know that you have awakened and revived all that? You saved me from atrophy…I have my reasons now…do you know how grateful I am to you now?” but my friend didn’t really answered me back, instead she just held my hand and smiled at me and that warmth in her hands made me feel glad coz I knew I have a friend that I can really turn to.

She made me like what I have started before and what I got my self into…funny how powerful a friend can do right? By just the mere touch of the hand, hug, smile and tap in the shoulder one can feel love, acceptance and secure. The innate capability of a friend to make you laugh and understand you can ease a worry and depression. And how a friend’s eagerness and passion can be readily absorbed and then it will make you realize that there are really things in life that you can eventually learn to like and love if only you give it a chance and time. I owe a lot to that friend for if I hadn’t met her I’m still a walking zombie now and I am not capable of writing this composition. That’s why I promised myself I will do the best that I can to be help her at all times and be a friend that she can turn to! :)

Have you found yours? If you felt the way that I did before, don’t worry, everyone likes to be saved and be saved…yours will come and your tormented life and senseless being will be saved too…love can heal the deepest cuts and can cut all emotional baggage of a person and mind you, it really does! It only depends on how you see love…if you see love as a partner or couple thing (e.g. boyfriend, girlfriend) only, then I pity you, for love is almost everywhere! You just don’t get around and appreciate small things in your life: the love of your parents, relatives, sister/brother, friends or even your pet!

Love is really becoming senseless and so void in meaning because people are using its implication and focusing it for themselves and subjective reasons only.

I am just thankful coz I am being loved and saved every single day because I am surrounded by people who truly cares for me. So if ever you read this, thank your loved ones now, ok? Coz at some point in your life they have saved and will save you from something! You're just not aware of it yet…

..How Daring Can You Get as a Partner?!...

I had this weird and naughty talk with my friends and it’s funny coz an idea came up to me…I summed up three degrees of flirting or the things that couples do, take a peek and look where you belong!

1^st Degree Type

-are the one that fancies kissing, munching and playing around with their partners. They just probably enjoy the idea of having an intimate someone by their side and enjoying the privileges that comes along with it! The kiss, the holding hands and simple cuddles but really no malice, just pure fun! Mostly these are fresh new couples who are starting to get to know each other and establishing a relationship.

2^nd Degree Type

-are the ones that taken the intimate relationship into another level…they’ve have engage themselves from the pleasure of touching but not really having sex, just with the power of erotic touch that can satisfy their burning urge to do the actual thing! Mostly these are teenagers who are so in to each other, want to have sex but use their head all the time for they know the outcome of this or in the other hand the parties are both not yet ready for the big “S” thing…half-naked, naked and doing naughty stuffs with your partner especially in the intimate part, 2^nd degree covers it!

3^rd Degree Type

-are the ones that taken it all out as far as 3^rd base and score for a home run! These are the people who do the actual thing…the ones that are brave, adventurous and find tremendous amount of delight doing it! It is the actual union of two bodies and just being one, union of two people who are deeply connected to each other in a way that only they can explain and understand! Whether it’s just for fun, experiment, one night stand, accident, intuition or for them they do it because it’s the higher expression of love, the 3^rd degree covers it all!

So, from which degree do you belong now? Me? I don’t get burnt up to do those stuffs yet so I guess I have no degree to say! Laughs…

...Fast Forward...

Time is moving so freaking slow! So slow that every emotional wound we had and have is lingering so bad that it hurts! The feelings that are so trapped and harmless before are now excruciatingly painful because of the mundane silence that’s penetrating us from within! A feeling that is so oddly cold that no matter how we try to conceal and fight it, we will only end up defeated! Cold drops of water from the eyes are even inevitable for the feeling is so intense that when you don’t let them out you might just explode! Aargh! I hate this dumb situation! Waiting for days to pass fast but time is moving so mockingly sluggish! I hate it because every hurt that I thought I’ve already dealt with and over with are now surprisingly haunting me!

Ever wished you have a remote control of your life just like the movie “Click”?! Well, I have! And now maybe is the most perfect timing! My life is in constant slow motion and it is quite stationary for I’m waiting for my flight to Canada and having to be here just at the house and doing nothing is the most boring place to be! And to add up, I have no money to go anywhere too! Sigh!

Before I have always wanted to disappear…like a bubble, like the wind…and now? I feel like each day I’m starting to loose grab of myself! I am alive yet my soul is mysteriously decomposing and perishing! Feels like I’m loosing my purpose in life that I had before! My existence here is rotten and I am stinking so bad that I feel like a trash nobody would want to be with. The things that I used to do and enjoyed to do before are now becoming so uninteresting! I feel so empty, so frustrated. My priorities, my being…I’m questioning it all. Darn. I’m a disintegrating, nostalgic, insomniac and emotionally unstable man with a stagnant mind and drained soul, how cool can I get?!

I wish that I could just sleep tonight and just wake up when it is August one…I looked at the calendar and already marked the date for I know that when that day comes, my whole world will move and start spinning normally again, I will have my life back, hopefully!

...Things I Learned From My Friends...

i believe that each person we meet has something to teach us or something to impart to us while invading our personal space whether it'll be positive or negative this effects are the ones that changed and molded us from what we are now...

• I learned that no matter how you want someone to be your friend, you can’t force it.

• That trust is not easy as handling a candy to a friend…

• That secrets can create a long time gap no matter how you say it don’t matter, it matters a lot!

• That friendship is not about giving and hoping to get back what you have given, it’s about fitting to someone’s shortcomings, unconditionally embrace his/her personality and giving unlimited care and understanding without any expectations…

• That it's better to speak your mind and let yourself be understood rather than cold shouldering all things for the rest of your life!

• That every friend in your life has different impact in your life and time of exposure to them is not even a basis on determining who’s special and who’s not.

• That finding a friend who can ride all your simple nothing jives, likes and can understand all your insanity is a blessing.

• That planning to get even to someone will inflict twice/thrice the pain you do to them.

• That no matter how hard you try to be a better person, you can’t please all people nor have everybody as a friend.

• That there are times that you can’t really understand something by yourself only.

• That first impression never lasts!

• That people are indeed quite unique! We may feel insecure every once in a while but we just need to see ourselves in a positive way and not our flaws all the time! We need to understand and love ourselves for us to have self-confidence and then, eventually at the end, self respect!

• People have different individualities for each and everyone of us has different upbringing and experiences that molded our personality and way of dealing in life…

• That doing nothing is the most excruciating pain to inflict to your enemy…

• The collision of two tempers can be flammable…

• That there are really clean hearted people.

• That boyfriends/girlfriends are the mortal enemy of friends sometimes.

• That bestfriends? Aren’t all made by just a day or two! It’s a long term process, not a plan but exploring, understanding and caring that both parties are never really are aware of doing coz it comes naturally for they both enjoy the company and love to help those they dearly love without any hesitation!

• Sometimes we fight hard to change other’s negative traits but no matter how hard we want that, we have no right to change someone just because we desire to because change? Should be one’s will and own decision to make! It’s neither forced nor just because all are suddenly against you. It’s a sudden engulfment of pride, self-realization, courage and bravery to take and accept change to happen in your life because you want to be a better person! Not for others but for yourself!

• Sometimes you really don’t have to feel hurt that someone cant appreciate your effort or care because sometimes the point is just to care or to do without expecting something in return coz its up to the person what will be the effect of that action and the fact that you’ve shown your true personality as a friend and as a person is what really matters.

• Sometimes distance is all we need in order to realize how important someone is, how you truly care for someone and what you are as a friend. You will also know who among your friends will fight hard against time and break apart distance just to save the relationship you two have! And above all, you’ll know how important you are to someone!

• That people have his/her secret keeper material friend standards/characteristics, if you don't have them or fit in it, you don't have the privilege to know his/her deeper self or secrets.
  

• That no matter how bad you want to help if trust is the issue, its complicated.

• That no matter how big you care and treasure a person you don’t really have to make expectations that they will reciprocate the way that you anticipate them to do towards you.

• That people have different ways of showing and concealing their emotions.

• That there are people that can be hard as a rock and don’t feel any emotions.

• That sometimes no matter how it hurts there are people that can go a day, weeks, months or even a year without missing you.

• It hurts when someone doesn't understand what you feel and what are you going through, when you stand for what you believe is right but for them it's wrong and so as when every freaking efforts you've done are not recognized. You know why it sucks? Because the people you care about and the one's you badly want to care for you are the one's who always take you for granted!

And lastly…

• Silence? Can break someone's heart gradually coz it’ll make you think that someone is not thinking of you at all but my silence? Is the one that’s breaking my heart coz every time I’m secretly longing and missing someone? It bleeds out & cry because of sadness.

...for rincel...

Once in a while you’ll meet someone,
Someone whose heart is incredibly pure,
A personality that’ll rock your world,
A gentle soul that will hug yours unconditionally,
A sweet person who’s incredibly beautiful inside and out.

A person whose distinct dedication surpasses all of her colleagues,
A person who has an attitude that never say die,
But has a face that just wears a smile everyday,
And gratifies the Lord for all her blessings!

Once in a while I met that person!
She showed me love and kindness…
I am forever grateful in that once in a while experience
For she changed my life in that once in a while…
And that once in a while will forever be here, near my heart!

Who’s to blame if she’s not forgotten, loved and treasured?
For this unique individual posses all thee…
Who’s to blame if everyone envies me for being her friend?
Want to know her name?
That’s Rincel!

A name that I’ll never forget and try to forget...
For just the mere saying of her name just brings a smile to me…
Coz when you mention her, it’s not just the name you’re saying,
It’s the happiness of being blessed and being loved…
The feeling that you’ve got a friend that will always be there for you!