...no regrets...

The picture pretty much tells all that I have to say or what I feel. It took me a lot of time to put into words what is happening to me now coz I was so busy trying to make a decision that can make or break me.

To go or to stay, this has been the debate inside my head for a couple of weeks and mind you, it is not easy to decide something that will concern your future! How I wish making decision is as easy as what my friends usually do when we can’t decide for ourselves: tossing a coin. Sigh, but then again I said to myself that I am quite fortunate to have a plan B in life unlike for others there is no choice but plan A. Making decision gets harder if you have many choices to choose from and it gets even harder if the choices you are choosing from are both favorable on your part!

Let me take you inside my head that is tangled with cobwebs of thoughts….

I have a choice to stay and finish my degree in Nursing here in the Philippines or to make a big move to go to Canada, soar the sky of opportunities and have a 50/50 chance of actually accrediting all the subjects I studied here for the past 2 years. If I were you, will you have a hard time making a decision?! Well, if you said no, I envy you…

For the past 18 yrs of my existence here in the world I have been fighting hard everyday to build myself, status, friends, reputation, pride and dignity here in the Philippines. I grew roots here, I have my own sentiments…I am attached here. My principles, my beliefs and my opinions started here…it is where I first see the world and thought it was beautiful, where I build up my brains to be a competitive and functional one, where I widened my skills and capabilities, in short this is my LIFE. All this things? Big or small is what I am made of.

Going to Canada will be like a newly born baby…no name, no identity, no friends and no status. Starting fresh and fighting hard again to be known and be respected. It’s quite hard I thought especially if all your life you surround yourself all the time with many friends and you formed the habit that in everything you do, they must be always included. Even worse if the only thing that keeps you going, your cure for monotony and your only reason why you still keep on fighting in life is them…and if they are gone is like losing your clothes in a snowy winter night, no warmth, just emptiness and coldness that can be felt inside and out of your body.

A shivering thought I presume but the strangest thing that startled me is that even if I know that and even if my friends kept saying the awful and sad truth if we parted there is still a voice at the back of my head whenever all of the subjective bombarding of opinions are gone telling me that the right thing to do is to go.

How strange I thought…why does this voice inside my head kept on choosing the uncertain and blank future?! But then I had this vivid flashbacks on my past…when I was a child, I am searching of things that I don’t even know what, funny but even though I don’t know what I am looking for I still look for it no matter what…a realization came up to me…what if the thing that I am searching for cannot be found in a stack of old things or in a cabinet? What if this “thing” can be found in Canada? It’s not like that I am unhappy or sad here or something---I am happy but all these years I am a walking incomplete person. I feel that there is a piece of my self that I still don’t know and is missing and I am freaking thrilled and curious to let time reveal it to me…maybe you will think…why can you let yourself find that here?

Have you ever felt a hunch that is so freaky? It is like watching in a game show like “Deal or No Deal” and you have the hunch that the briefcase that the contestant chose has the 3 million jackpot prize but there are many risks on choosing that briefcase and the offer is too good to be true than the other remaining possible amount that you might get that is why you just advise the player to just take the deal but when it was revealed turns out? Your hunch is correct! That is what I believe I am having now.

I have now accepted my decision to go to Canada wholeheartedly and embraced change to occur in my life no matter how uncertain it seems, my friends? will be forever be a big part of my life but I will leave them the choice if they want to still continue being one or just throw all our memories in trash.

I am now gambling my fate for this hunch I have coz I have faith that it is right…I will do my best to thrive harder my effort to adapt, establish what I have created here, show the true me and to achieve extreme joy and fulfillment in life!

No REGRETS!

...reasons...

Before, we dream of a perfect someone, the one that can love us so deep and give us care and attention but now that they already came, we ask ourselves why did God granted our wishes and turned our dreams to actual reality and yet we are still not happy? But then we suddenly realized, we forgot to say and wished the most essential requirement: -that we also have to love them. Irony how love works and damn me for breaking many hearts who loves me.

I’m sorry.

Maybe I don’t know how to love or care? Maybe I’m afraid to lose myself in the process and feel love so before it starts I end it already? Maybe, we’re so fed up to the thought of a fairytale love story that if our story is not in patterned with it, we consider it as a false signal of love?

But I consider love to be realistic…I want to have a connection with someone before we actually establish a real relationship because if we don’t, it’ll be like making a castle out of sand. If there is none, there will be no foundation that keeps the couple together. Though it reflects that I am a coward, I am not. It’s just that the thing about me is that I love so deeply. Loving for me is an ultimate emotion one can offer and feel, it is an unconditional feeling that binds two people closer and when I fall in love? Laugh all you can but when I do love, my world only revolves to that person! So, will you blame me if I take a good care of my heart?! It’s just that I’ve been hurt twice and it hurts like hell! It took me a long time before I moved on and that’s the reason why I am full of reasons when I am dealing with the word “LOVE”. I promised to my heart that I will take good care of her that I won’t let her shatter apart in nothingness and bleed to dry again. That’s the reason why I am meticulous on answering those who court me. I sewn my heart all by myself and I won’t let another guy broke it again. Maybe you’ll say if I take the word love so seriously, why do I play around and flirt with them? –coz when I don’t, you won’t meet people otherwise, I still hope that I can find someone that will fit in to my soul, not just by physical characteristics or so but the one that I can complement his soul and vice versa.

I found him actually, you wouldn’t believe if I tell you…our minds runs like one, our emotions are uniting and our likes our pretty much the same but again, irony….he is taken.

So maybe I’ll sit to the ride of fate again and see what’s in store for me in the love department of my life.

...crazy thought....

Amidst the blanket of serenity lies many waves of emotions. I am tough but I am also a fragile soul. I am a person who thirsts for the feeling of being loved but by being so, am I being too desperate to grasp anyone who professes their affection towards me? –even if he’s already committed to someone else? Am I crazy to actually wish their break-up?

Funny how a simple fascination can lead to attraction, affection then goes down to love. Peculiar on how he capture thy heart without any doings and mush effort….sigh.

If grabbing someone’s bf is a crime, I’d take the chance to commit one just to steal him. I will take the risk of falling, being crazy and being loved. I’ll take that offered kiss and return it to him for the deeper each kiss goes, all my anxiety, fear and worries will slowly flow away for in my mind and heart will just be the thought of bliss and love.

I’ll go wherever the momentum will lead coz I know he’ll lead me to fly to a place I can’t reach.

Enough with the dream…let’s move back to reality…

Afterall I’ve been through, all along I thought my heart had been hardened by time…but now? Every part6 of me has been softened by a man who turned his back on loving me because he wants to prevent hurting and damaging me. But you know what? I wished he hadn’t turn his back on me…coz I like it that way even if it is too darn complicated for the two of us coz I think- I love him.

...hyperaglesia....

Why do I have to be so damn sensitive?
Why can’t I be someone who don’t need anybody to feel happiness?
Why should I feel pain for someone who doesn’t even give a damn for me?
It’s like giving a piece of yourself and your heart to someone and yet for that person it is just a nonsense thing?
It’s like feeling you’ve got someone but then again, not applicable to reality.

Why the hell do I have to feel hurt knowing that they don’t care the way I do for them?
It hurts for I do wanna understand them but they won’t let me…

And I hate it!

Why?

Coz I don’t wanna be imparted from them just because of a certain belief…
Coz friends?
Is beyond that!
It can withstand all the diversities!

Maybe I’m overreacting but things like these?
They can make you feel unwanted and unworthy as a friend/person.

That I’m somebody the can just go along without easily…
That I am just an ordinary friend…
An accidental acquaintance type of person that can easily be replaced and let go without any regrets and sadness of ever doing so…

Fuck.

Why am I so sensitive?
I wish I can be hard as a rock so that I won’t be maimed by those people whom I cared the most!

...nicknames...

Do you believe that when you give a pet name or nickname to someone it’ll attach you more to that person?

It’s a simple invincible thin string that connects you to someone because whenever someone mentions his/her nickname, sounds like or somewhat related to it, the tendency is to think of that person at that instant, smiling and actually reminiscing the times you were together, hanging out, laughing your hearts out together over simple jokes, the simple cuddles, teasing each other and lastly, yearning to spend time with that special person.

...can you?...

Can a touch heal a wound inflicted by insecurities, regrets, failures and loneliness?
Can a hug soothe a person’s lethargic soul?
Can a simple grasp of a hand ameliorate worries?
Can a tap in the shoulder regain a person’s shattered confidence?

According to Martha Rogers, words, touch and even things contains such energy…
Energy that can be transferred to a person either to affect him positively or negatively.

Then if it’s true, can you share yours with me?
Just a little bit of positive energy to save this human from atrophy…
Just to calm the turbulent waves of negativity present in me.
Control them to stabilize and get a grip of her.

Can you?

...rumbled sadness...

Fate has an awful way of creating gaps to people...

A drastic move can change everything...

from close to distant relationship...

from warm to cold treatment...

...from being remembered then, forgotten.

i hate to think it'll happen to us

coz

no matter how we say we won't change?

it'll be impossible.

so this i say for the momment truthfuly and honestly:

having you as my friend changes everything in my life...a constant feeling of joy, secureness and insanity, a crazy joy ride that i eventually got used to and enjoyed, a loving thread of understanding and love that hugs my inner soul, a sweet blanket of serenity and solace....a memory that i will never try to forget...

i love you guys and there's no doubt that i'll miss you!

coz

if it hadn't been for your sweet and simple gestures of love?

i would'nt keep on going facing life :)

hugs...