...love me now or lose me forever...

gentle soul, i hope you know what is your worth,
what those eyes do to me,
what your lips can do to make me whole,
what your touch makes me feel.
what your voice do to me,

your smile, your laugh, is my happiness.
when can we stop conforming and just be open?
open to love each other no matter what?
no boundaries.
no pretensions.
no chaos.
nothing to hide and be ashamed of.

just you and me...
you are breaking my heart but you probably don't know that.
i'm loving you so much secretly that i can't contain it no more.
do you love me too?
i know you know who you are...

i just wanna know if i mean the same way to you...
i love you.
don't be cruel to me again, just be true...
i'm leaving myself vulnerable and open to you...

i'm yours.
love me now or lose me forever.
say it now and you'll have me forever.

...nowhere near okay...

i stumble everytime i believe I'm doing okay, i struggle to remain my composure, just to say im strong. i dodge away my negativity just to fool myself that there is still hope but now? im nowhere near okay, im close to hitting the ground yet i have nothing to hold onto, no one to catch my fall or no one to help me.

how many times do i have to be hurt, cry and bleed to learn? do i just lack presence of mind? or am i just playing dumb? or maybe the simplest answer would be - I'm just dumb. i can't go to work now! i feel fucked up. fed up and burnt out of embarrassment! and thanks for the hot gossiping that surely helps my over to the top confidence! i hate snakes. i hate backfighters, i hate hypocrites, i hate kind people who always say it's ok eventhough they know I'm a loose cannon, i hate people talking to me like they know and understand how shitty i feel...i hate them all! but mostly i just hate myself.


im here, all alone, cold, beaten up and crying in the corner. feeling like a crap and defeated. i surrender. i can't win this stupid battle that i forced myself into...i can't take another step no more for i'll made another dumb mistake or worse, that I'll humiliate myself even more....no more. im tired. each day is already a lose battle that's killing me slowly...

i just wanna rest till every part of my aching soul replenish...till the last drop of tears from eyes fall, till i find my hope again.

im nowhere near okay.

...oct of last yr...

My mind is awfully clear yet my eyes are drowning with tears…My whole body is numb from exhaustion and all my day in activities melted like a candle. My hands, filled with eminent proof of hardwork, scratches that embody my struggle to fit in a different world and scars that lingers because of many insecurities. Although my body has been weakened by work I do not complain, my only concern is that I’m curing loneliness with work. I’m trying hard not to be too melodramatic…but everytime I walk home, the faces that always swoon off my mind are the people I left behind coz in them I felt that I truly belong, happy and should I say, I truly felt important.

Living here, gave me a new perspective, a new outlook to life. I learned how to be more mature, more responsible, stronger and more independent than I was before. Because back before in my homeland, we have the culture and mentality that our parents should be responsible for us until more or less we graduated from college. Graduating from college, finding a work and managing our own salary, this is the time we consider ourselves independent from our parents. But here? All of that mentality seems pathetic to me coz I learned that by the age of just 15 here, you can find a job, help a bit in the house expenses, treat yourself or help yourself in your school expenses. I realized how lucky I was before coz my parents are like spoon feeding me with everything that I need and want. I don’t earn or work for it, they work for it and I just ask and I get what I want, how convenient for me right?

I feel quite ashamed for what I did before…being insensitive to my parent's part. Coz like they said before I always think that money can grow on trees, I never value them. But now I know what they meant, big time. I must admit that at the first couple of months I’m annoyed that I have to work, carry loads of heavy Rubbermaid totes or pay a cheque to my sister for a chip in our groceries, believe me there’s a lot of resistance and a bit of anger but you know what? I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything now coz I have transformed into someone I never thought I’d be. These bruises, wound, scars and scratches? I’m not ashamed of them! In fact they are my precious trophies. I won it tough by working hard and the prize is my stronger, better and responsible persona.