...kiss...

In a game I dare you to play,
you were brave enough to stay,
I then wondered there's no turning back,
and there's no time to think what is lack

so the momentum flows as we go close...
every part of my body is starting to get cold..
and in a battle of fire and ice,
I gently closed my eyes...
felt those lips into mine...

but i was frozen....
and you stare at me and I don't know what
to think anymore...

your eyes have already drowned me off from reality...
a sudden bliss for no reason...
a memory that will forever be seen...

cornered by fate at the right time...
captured my heart in an angle i can't understand...

thanks for making me feel special...
forever special in my smiling heart,
let's see what's in store for us...

could you wait for me?
or are we just in the right place at the right time?

when enthusiams subside...
and time overlaps all thee..
will you still abide?

...pensive...

As I watched the vagueness of the fields passing swiftly as our car moved, I also felt a sudden gush of trance in me. I pensive to my life, probing the things I’ve done and how I suddenly found answers to my once unanswered questions…

Funny how all the locks open when it’s already too late. Realizations, regrets, angst and embarrassments struck us only after the incidents happen. It’s always out of timing and out of tune.

I asked myself: what have I learned? And in instant situations came swooping in my head…some are happy, some are sad and others are just too regretful to even think about. Some of those you even wanna go back and experience it again or rather fix.

There are things we can’t change but there are still those that we can. Everyday that the sun comes up in the morning, we have this mentality that it will be just the same as yesterday but you know what? It's not the same because each day that we live we grow, we become stronger, we learn and we become wiser than our yester'days self! Coz like the sun, life goes on…it will never stop, so keep on shining as bright as it can! It's a reminder that there is another day to make things right, better and fulfilling.

This is my life now...I gotta hold on to it, accept and swallow the situation before it swallows me...Old habits should be dump...release all emotional baggage...Ought to move to get some results...No one can break me if I trust myself!

...my naiveness on love...

A bestfriend of mine, Fi, once said to me that maybe what I felt before is not love, maybe I am just in love with the idea that I am in love. Those words from her streaked me hard on the inside that it almost felt like it was an arrow. Damn, this is what I love about her, she sees me in a different way that I never could think off but you know what? She’s always right. It sucks but I am always thankful for her because she keeps me from becoming a sullen, psychotic and hopeless romantic. Being an emo and an artist (well, I see my self as that, don’t argue…lol) it seems that you absorb every single feeling you have and there’s a big chunk of tendency to over do it. The result? It may lead to exaggeration. You get more attached to the person deeper than it should be. You tend to define this sudden depth into the idea that you are in love. And once you’re addicted to the idea of it, it gets to an obsessive habit that’s not easy to let go!

True and fair enough, it was me. I find it hard to believe at first but I mulled it over and yeah, it was me. Now, my definitions of love is now blurred coz now, I think that I never really have loved anyone because all along, I was only playing a role that I created and wanted for myself. Fi also said to me, she don’t really even consider loving someone for yourself only to love coz love should work on both ways and not only a one way thing. Ouch. So this blog that contained my fraud is only an eminent proof that I am such an eccentric, deceitful and assumption making loser. I fear myself for now I develop the thought that I am not the type of person one should be close with coz I have this tendency to “fall madly in love”, or at least that is what I think of. I am afraid of it to happen coz when it does; I will loose myself in the process. I don’t want that to ever happen again, coz I will truly hate myself and lose my self respect.

I have many inner battles going on right now. I don’t know how to put them into words coz I’ll further humiliate myself if I do. I just know that my assumptions are always wrong and I don’t really understand people’s way or actions. I hunger for love that’s why I found them always or mistaken it in the persona of someone near me, someone close to me, someone I let my heart out to.

I once have the policy to myself that I don’t want to be close to someone coz it’s either or both: I will truly be dependent to him or I will love him! I guess I should keep that policy.